Woot Shirt : One Shirt, No Shoes, No Service (SM)

On accounta we're all taking tomorrow off to get an early start on flipping the star-spangled bird to King George, I'm dropping the Day of Reckoning preview a full day ahead of schedule. This weekend, while you're scorching animal flesh and staring at explosions, spare a moment to consider saving one of our shirts from sales oblivion. It's what Paul Revere would've done. The current rankings:

• 01 It Came Out Of Nowhere
• 02 Some Motivation Required
• 03 The Epic Begins
• 04 Nevermore
• 05 Music is Life
• 06 Imposter
• 07 The Quick Brown Fox
• 08 Donut Panic!
• 09 The Last Day
• 10 You Have to Try This Guys
• 11 Dystopia Dark Lager
• 12 Cats With Weapons
• 13 Fat Unicorn
• 14 Music Pirate
• 15 She is Reported to Have Said That Before
• 16 The Cake Is A Liar
• 17 Grim Optimism
• 18 The Aviator
• 19 The Devil is in the Details
• 20 CMYKF5
• 21 Good morning Starshine the Earth says Hello
• 22 Upon Closer Inspection…
• 23 Bacon Bits
• 24 Rock Paper Scissors
• 25 The T Shirt
• 26 An Unfolding Mystery
• 27 Counting Blue Cars

Bystanders (not eligible for Reckoning until next week)

• Abe-racadabra
• Phoenix Rising
• Heart Fighter

Come back on Monday to see which shirts survived and which didn't. The Day of Reckoning makes a great hangover cure.

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You're in the cockpit flying through a tropical storm. You're out with your girlfriend and you run into your other girlfriend. You're hundreds of feet below the surface of the ocean. You're still trying to think up a Derby theme at 11:30 AM on Thursday. You're under pressure, man. Pushing down on you. Now push it off onto a t-shirt. Social pressure, physical pressure, emotional pressure, water pressure, whatever. Maybe your design will be better than the hundreds of others and you'll win that thousand bucks. But hey, no pressure.

No text.

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My Pastor Says It Stands For “Guardians Open to the Devil, Zebras I Love Licking Always”

The biggest in his field. Always has to be the center of attention. Subject of many rumors. Has a temper. Loves kids. Hmmm…

G: To survive in this business, you need a thick skin. There are lots of people who’ll try to tear you down. They’ll try and shoot you down at any chance they get. Some are jealous. Some are scared, that they might lose their position. Some just want to see you squirm, you know, see what you do next. You can’t pay attention to any of them. You just have to know, you know, keep heading toward that goal.

RS: So you have a love/hate relationship with your fans, then?

G: When they say “you never use your fire breath enough” and “why didn’t you ever have a rocket fist?” and crap like that, well, sure, they can have their opinion, but you can’t let that change what you want to do. You have to be true to yourself and do what you feel is right. Because they aren’t the ones crawling out of the ocean every few years. And you are.

RS: Where you do see yourself in a decade?

G: Basically, the ultimate form of my career is just being out there, on the street, with whatever I can pick up. It’s great to be in a studio on an island full of monsters but that’s not what it’s all about. It’s about getting out there, you know, meeting people who get it. That’s what keeps you coming back with smashing hits. There’s nothing like a smashing hit.

Wear this shirt: again and again as you point out the folly of man.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you don’t know the difference between a giant lizard and a werewolf. You see, the werewolf was created by a curse, which is black magic. But a giant lizard is created by unexpected radiation, which is just bad science. And there’s a huge difference between black magic and bad science. For example, you can’t get tenure by doing black magic. Except maybe in the Folklore department.

This shirt tells the world: “I told you once, you giant moth, I’m the best that’s ever been.”

We call this color: He’s Got A Great Look But Olive His Songs Are In C

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Heart-Seeking Missile

“QPID-214 to base! QPID-214 to base! Target in my sights! Engaging now!”

You probably think of us as naked babies flying around on flouncy little angel wings, pulling back the strings on our bows and gently lofting arrows with heart-shaped arrowheads. But that’s not today’s Cupid Force. To overcome modern levels of apathy and isolation, we utilize only the latest, most advanced infatuation technology. From the the Sex Bomb to Love Missile F1-11, Cupid Force delivers the devastating ordnance that makes love possible in the 21st century and beyond.

We’re still naked babies, though.

Wear this shirt: when love is a battlefield.

Don’t wear this shirt: unless you’re a soldier of love.

This shirt tells the world: “Peace and love don’t always go together.”

We call this color: The Heather Grey Badge Of Courage.

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I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

The nice thing about a shirt like this? You can wear it two days in a row.

Frank Sinatra. Elvis Presley. David Bowie. Miles Davis. No matter how much their career looked like ashes, these men and others hauled themselves up and started again, in a similar but not exactly sort of way. And they all gained a special kind of magic from it.

The story of the Phoenix isn’t about finding the strength to keep going. That’s Rocky. Good story, but totally different idea. The story of the Phoenix is about not having a choice but to keep going. Doesn’t matter if it owed a loan shark money. Doesn’t matter if it just broke up with its girlfriend. Doesn’t matter if it played the new Judas Priest album backwards. As soon as it’s dead, it’s alive again.

About the fifth time that bird came back from being lit on fire, it probably started thinking that it never wanted to go through that again. Fire hurts, you know. Even if you’re coming right back, it’s still got to be a royal pain in the tailfeathers. But here it is, flapping back to life, ready for another go. Not so much reborn as redefined. Maybe this time it’ll try something new, or maybe go in a way that will be popular with fans, or maybe please the critics of a future generation. There’s nothing it can do but try again, because it simply can’t lay down and die.

What a stupid, stupid bird.

Wear this shirt: right after some creepy guy named Jason introduces you to all his rich friends at this nice old club where everyone dresses weird.

Don’t wear this shirt: when you’re on trial for eating the star near where the bird people live. Poor bird people.

Incidentally, if you enjoyed those two references, you might like to know that missmonster will be at the San Diego Comic Con (Table F-03, aisle 800) and promises to hi-five anyone who visits her while wearing this shirt. That’s right, geeks, one single purchase will give you a 100% chance of actually touching a girl’s hand, in front of hundreds of witnesses. Buy now, because we’re gonna sell out fast!

This shirt tells the world: “By the time you get to me, she’ll be risin’. She’ll find the note you left hangin’ on her door.”

We call this color: Cranberry Me Not

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Monday is here, and seven of our shirts are gone. Rather, they will be gone at midnight tonight. This is the Day of Reckoning, the weekly elimination of our lowest-selling shirts, and it looks a little something like this:

Survivors (position last week/weeks on chart)

• 01 It Came Out Of Nowhere (1/5)
• 02 Some Motivation Required (2/17)
• 03 The Epic Begins (5/24)
• 04 Nevermore (7/64)
• 05 Music is Life (3/12)
• 06 Dystopia Dark Lager (4/3)
• 07 The Last Day (-/1)
• 08 The Quick Brown Fox (6/7)
• 09 Imposter (8/22)
• 10 Donut Panic! (9/38)
• 11 You Have to Try This Guys (10/18)
• 12 The Devil is in the Details (12/2)
• 13 Grim Optimism (13/27)
• 14 She is Reported to Have Said That Before (20/17)
• 15 The Aviator (11/8)
• 16 Fat Unicorn (16/61)
• 17 The Cake Is A Liar (15/85)
• 18 Music Pirate (18/12)
• 19 Good morning Starshine the Earth says Hello (-/1)
• 20 CMYKF5 (14/6)

Casualties (position last week/weeks on chart)

• 21 Rain Dance (17/4)
• 22 Do the Robot! (19/4)
• 23 I Claim this Sun for GYAAHHHH!!!!! (-/1)
• 24 ROK-101 (-/1)
• 25 Dark Secret (-/1)
• 26 Stay Sharp! (-/1)
• 27 Cat Vs. Cat (-/1)

Bystanders (not eligible for Reckoning until next week)

• Bacon Bits
• The T Shirt
• Counting Blue Cars
• Rock Paper Scissors
• Upon Closer Inspection…
• Cats With Weapons
• An Unfolding Mystery

I'm not surprised that there are still enough people buying It Came Out Of Nowhere to keep it on top of the chart for a fifth straight week. It's only been around for a little while. What amazes me is that after over 12,000 Nevermore shirts sold, there are still 21 people buying it every day. And that The Cake Is A Liar keeps chugging along a year and a half after the release of the video game that inspired it. And that the Fat Unicorn market still isn't saturated. Maybe someday we'll be saying the same things about The Last Day and Good morning Starshine the Earth says Hello, the two debut entrants on the Survivor charts this week. But speaking probablistically, they're more likely to follow the brief career arcs of Rain Dance and Do the Robot!, both Casualties in their fourth week on the charts. Buy 'em while you can - they disappear tonight at midnight.

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WHO were the designers who undeservedly fell short of glory in Derby #100: Mystery? WHICH designs did we like more than the voting public? WHY were these great designs bypassed in the voting? Read on for some of the answers...

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That Giraffe Better Be A Republican

One night only! The man of mystery! See The Great Emancipator!

Just one shiny penny gets you into the greatest show you’ll ever see! Watch as the mighty Abraham cuts a nation in half… and then puts it back together! Thrill to the way his uncanny powers make it seem fashionable to have a beard without a mustache! Did he learn in Tibet? In China? From the voodoo priests of New Orleans? Friends, he did all that and more!

He made logs into a toy! He put his face on a mountain! He’s The Great Emancipator, and he’s here today! Come in and see! And don’t forget, with every ticket you get a free viewing of Mary Todd, She-Devil of Kentucky! Don’t get too close, she’ll rip off your face! Come see The Great Emancipator! Step right up! Step right up!

Wear this shirt: to show you were an early supporter of President Zachary Taylor. He died just sixteen months into his term, too. So young. Like a political Kurt Cobain. Sigh.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the theater. Not because of the assassination thing, but because you really should look nice when you’re going to the theater.

This shirt tells the world: “I wanna reach out and grab ya. Forescore times.”

We call this color: A Sphalt Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand.

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All You Need Is A Girl And A Gun

3rd place in Derby #100: Mystery, with 975 votes!

So. Let’s look at the facts. A boy is found dead. A man with a red tie and a dog is spotted by a woman in a Victorian costume. The mysterious key is nearby. The woman knows a man in a top hat who looks a little bit like Lincoln. Then there’s the mysterious fingerprint on the antique gun. An empty wineglass. Could the boy have been drinking? Did the fish in the hat cover his tracks?

The man in the red tie is dead. Found on a lamppost. It feels like we’re getting close. What are we missing? Was it in the library? The dinosaur bone? The man in the red tie loved that bone, he’d never give it up without a fight. But who would want the bone? A museum? A collector? The only person who ever was interested… oh, right, too soon for that joke. But who else cared? Wait… oh, it’s just Rex. Who’s a good boy, Rex? You want a nice treat? You want a nice bon- wait… wait, Rex! Rex! Don’t make it worse, Rex! Put that gun down! No, Rex, no! Bad dog! Bad-

KPOW

Wear this shirt: when you’re plotting against those damn cats we had yesterday. Except for Colonel Meowstard. He was the cutest widdle snugglyface!

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re watching the detectives. People will think you look so cute. And everyone keeps an eye on the cute ones.

This shirt tells the world: “YES WE KNOW WE COULD HAVE MADE THE CONDITION THE COLOR BUT SOMETIMES WE LIKE TO BE A LITTLE DARING THANK YOU VERY MUCH”

We call this color: You Don’t Want To Talk To Me? Tell It To The Boys Browntown.

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