Shirt.Woot : One Shirt, No Shoes, No Service (SM)

Oh, snap! Was this running today?

1st place in Derby #121: Propaganda for Everyday Life, with 1225 votes!

Wow, we had it all planned out, too. We were gonna make some good jokes, make everybody laugh. We had like twelve hours to work on this thing. So we went for a little walk, got lunch, you know, just chilled.

We were gonna do it at eight, but we got caught watching The Vampire Diaries. Can you believe that Damon learned that surprise information while Elena made her devastating discovery which had an effect on her relationship with Stefan? And then it was The Office, always great, right? But that still left us like three hours or something to get it done. Plenty of time. So we figured we’d squeeze in a little nap, and take care of it after we were all refreshed.

And now we got like thirty seconds before the shirt goes live. Hey, giant dinosaur, if you want to attack Texas, that would really help us out. Plus you’d get a lot of attention. I mean, who attacks Texas? Especially dinosaurs? They wouldn’t even be expecting it. You’d probably even get a movie deal out of it. You’d be rich! So, you know, if you want to do it in the next ten seconds, that’s be great…

…two seconds, dinosaur, c’mon…

Wear this shirt: on the bus to school, as you start your sixteen page report on the many factors which contributed to World War One. There’s like half an hour, you’ve got plenty of time.

Don’t wear this shirt: because you put off washing it until it was too late. That’s lifestyle, yo.

This shirt tells the world: “Pretty sure there are a lot of worms out there, Early Bird, even for the people that show up around noon or so.”

We call this color: Clever Use Of A Black Binder Will Make The Whole Thing Look Like You Worked Hard

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Family can mean a lot of things. Maybe it looks like the Cleavers. Maybe it's a Yakuza family. Maybe it's all your sisters and you. Maybe your family is actually genetically related, or maybe you all met on LiveJournal. With most of us seeing our families quite a bit over the next month or so, 'tis the season for considering the joy and the tension found in every family. Functional, dysfunctional, nuclear, radioactive, biological, cybernetic - any kind of family is fair game this week.

No text.

No video-game references.

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Awww

The baby bird also shall nest in the kittycat’s yard without fear, and the bumblebee shall retire his stinger; and all the critters of the forest shall live in harmony together, even the fatling; whatever a fatling is. It doesn’t sound like a compliment. But whatever.

And the kittycat and Mister Mouseymouse shall share a cheese; their young ones shall lie down together: and the kittycat shall not mangle and devour them.

And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp. No, I’m not making that up. It really says that in here. I don’t really know what that’s about, but I’m thinking that when the suckling child gets a little older, his mom will have to teach him not to play with his asp-hole in public.

Wear this shirt: with bondage pants, just to balance out the look a little.

Don’t wear this shirt: while trying to get your cat and mouse to be friends in real life. We foresee a claw-snagged and blood-stained tee.

This shirt tells the world: “Teach lactose tolerance.”

We call this color: I Knew White Away We’d Be Fweinds

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Aim for the head!

Then the heart! Then the…central processing unit?

Mr. President there is, a, ah, um, rather urgent matter requiring your immediate attention sir. It’s just that we seem to be under attack. No, not terrorists, we don’t think. Definitely not the Chinese. You’re right, sorry, I just would’ve been really impressed had you guessed it. Sir we seem to be under attack from Zombies. No sir that wouldn’t work, you see, as they’re also vampires. Well, again, I see where you’re going with that, but they are, in addition, robots. Well we don’t really know who made them because they seem to have come from space. You’re right, I should’ve just spit all that out at once.

Well, sir, we’re still not really sure what happens if you’re bitten. One might assume you would quickly succumb to the zombie infection and become a reanimated corpse, but it is possible you die and are reborn in seven days as a vampire. We have not ruled out that our attackers may have some sort of cyborg factory orbiting the planet that is reanimating corpses into half-man, half-machine warriors of doom. Who are also vampire zombies.

Well the good news is we do have a protocol for just such an event, actually. It was written during the previous administration. No sir, they just really enjoyed doomsday scenario planning. Anyway, this is a cyanide capsule. Well, according to protocol, you are supposed to chew it. Well I assume then you would die, sir. Well, and again I’m reading from protocol here sir, “What in the holy hell are we possibly going to do against Zombie Vampire Robots from Space?”

Wear this shirt: during First Contact. Show any visitors from another galaxy that you’re not impressed with just any aliens.

Don’t wear this shirt: during the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s going to get so messy you might just want to go shirtless.

This shirt tells the world: “Global warming is not the most menacing threat to Earth by a long shot.”

We call this color: Glen or Glenda Grey

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Blast-a from-a the Pasta

Fabrizio was the youngest of thirteen brothers – all pasta chefs. But his heart heard a different calling.

He looked at the life that destiny offered him, and said “No.” (You can’t tell because the word is the same, but he said it in Italian.) Not for him the sifting of the flour, the breaking of the eggs, the kneading of the dough. Fabrizio would not let himself be flattened, fed into the roller, sliced up into so much spaghetti. There had to be more to life than sprinkling herbs and pouring sauce and tossing pasta.

It broke his mother’s heart. His father stayed drunk for a week. And his brothers, well, they knew he would only get in the way, so they told him to go. And he did. To the big city, to pursue his dream of becoming a male model. The modelling agency liked him immediately. His bountiful mustache caught their eye; his authentic chef uniform captured their imaginations.

And that’s how he wound up on the pizza box.

Wear this shirt: with your red-and-white checked pants.

Don’t wear this shirt: unless you’re prepared to whistle Tarantella Napoletana the whole time.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m-a spicy meatball.”

We call this color: Red Sauce.

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Whoa, check it out! It's our all-new, prettied-up Reckoning chart, featuring all of our available shirts (including some soon-to-be-unavailable ones). Every week, we tell you which shirts sold well enough to stick around and which ones are about to slide into oblivion. Now we can show you, too. Can some kind of Smell-O-Vision thing be far behind?

Survivors (position last week/weeks on chart)

#1		The Binge (1/9)
#2		Zombie Candycorn (2/3)
#3		Computer Mice (4/2)
#4		Gummistone Park (3/5)
#5		One Flight Per Customer (-/1)
#6		Imposter (6/42)
#7		Nevermore (5/84)
#8		Some Motivation Required (8/37)
#9		Something I Must Do (-/1)
#10		It Came Out Of Nowhere (10/25)
#11		13th Gloom Street (7/3)
#12		Donut Panic! (13/58)
#13		Campfire Tales (9/5)
#14		The Epic Begins (17/44)
#15		The Chemist (16/11)
#16		Music is Life (14/32)
#17		Cupcake Costume Party (11/3)
#18		Harvest Traditions (12/6)
#19		You Have to Try This Guys (18/38)
#20		Grim Optimism (19/47)

Casualties (position last week/weeks on chart)

#21		Almost Too Complicated (15/6)
#22		I Just Call it Housekeeping (20/7)
#23		Sky Fishing (-/1)
#24		Big On The Inside (-/1)
#25		You Starin’ At Somethin’, Punk? (-/1)
#26		Dragon Bowl (-/1)
#27		The Spoilers Of Winter (-/1)

Bystanders (not eligible for Reckoning until next week)

		Thorny Issue
		Playing It Koi
		The Best Medicine
		Bath Time
		X-treme National Park
		Lost Souls Cavern
		Thanks Dad. This is great!

While the winds of change blow across our layout, a light breeze of change puts One Flight Per Customer and Something I Must Do in the top 10 but The Binge remains in first place. Awww, just look at those adorable Casualties - aren't you going to be miss them tonight at midnight, when they're gone?

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Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

But those cottony-soft tails are better than snuff!

The Von Schnozzle family has long been one of the most well-to-do in all of Europe. And yet, it is their custom to openly display that which both marks them as a Von Schnozzle and curses them to be forever apart from society.

It is not that the little beasts aren’t sociable, for they are. They smile at passers-by and make merry noises to each other (of which the Von Schnozzles are completely unaware, having long since grown accustomed to them). It’s just that the whole idea is so ICKY WEIRD and DISGUSTING that there’s really nothing that can be said. And so, the Von Schnozzles grow increasingly removed from a society that allows them to live without paying for rent, or clothing, or food, or even tissues, just so long as they go somewhere else where people don’t have to stare at those things… wriggling.

Wear this shirt: and try and convince people that it’s the new image going on the Amero. That would be really funny, wouldn’t it? To hear talk radio getting mad about a secular King with bunnies in his nose being on new currency?

Don’t wear this shirt: when shopping for a pet rabbit.

This shirt tells the world: “I say, if you were to present me with a tweezers as a representative of St. Nicholas, I would be indeed grateful and look upon it as a most fortunate and considerate gift.”

We call this color: The Brown Nosing Bunny

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PROTIP: Mushrooms in Real Life do not grant extra lives

3rd place in Derby #120: Double-Take Derby 7, with 806 votes!

Ahhhh. Breathe in that air, Johnny. See? Hiking with the old man isn’t so bad, is it? Feel that sun. Listen to sounds of nature that surround us. You could probably hear them a little more clearly without all that bleeping and blipping. Could you turn the volume down on your game a bit? Thanks.

Hey, look over there! See that? That, my boy, is a turtle. No, a TURTLE. No, it doesn’t “squirt” anything. NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT LEVEL IT IS.

Honestly, you couldn’t have left that thing in the car for ten minutes? This is supposed to be a father and son vacation. You and me, hiking the forests, climbing the mountains, cooking up fish we’d caught on giant hooks, then slaughtered and thrown in a skillet. My old man used to call it “bonding” and I was happy to have that time with him.

But you, you’d rather bury your face in that silly game. Why don’t you give Dad a look? Show me what’s more important than enjoying the majesty of NatuHOLY CRAP, IS THAT A DRAGON?! An OMEGA Dragon?! What does that even meOH MY GOD, DID HE JUST SHOOT LIGHTNING AT YOU? Well, get out of the way! Jump over there! Run, son, run! PRESS “A”, BOY! PRESS “A”!

Wear this shirt: the day your child makes his first million in the gaming industry. It’ll be like saying you’re sorry for dragging him out into the wild without having to actually say it.

Don’t wear this shirt: to a National Parks Service meeting. Most rangers aren’t like guy in the Yogi Bear cartoons. Most of them carry guns.

This shirt tells the world: “Everything I learned about life, I learned from two Italian plumbers. My dad was there, too, I guess.”

We call this color: NatureDad and GameBoy Grass

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Don’t Tell Me Truth Hurts, Little Girl

2nd place in Derby #120: Double-Take Derby 7, with 809 votes!

Some might say that the cave is a metaphor for the unconscious mind. Some might say that when you pass through a cave, you awake the deep, primal self within, and confront your darker, more hidden nature.

Others might tell you to lay off the sci-fi books and just enjoy the scenery. You came in here on purpose, right? Quit overthinking everything and just enjoy the stalagmites and stalactites and richardstallmans and whatever. Remember: if there’s water, you won’t run into anything with rabies!

Probably.

Wear this shirt: to really mess with Bruce Wayne’s head.

Don’t wear this shirt: around Gollum. You wouldn’t like it if some dude was showing off pictures of your ex’s house, would you?

This shirt tells the world: “Hope never brings its own ladder.”

We call this color: Into The Inky Blackness

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