Shirt.Woot : One Shirt, No Shoes, No Service (SM)

Don’t Tell Me Truth Hurts, Little Girl

2nd place in Derby #120: Double-Take Derby 7, with 809 votes!

Some might say that the cave is a metaphor for the unconscious mind. Some might say that when you pass through a cave, you awake the deep, primal self within, and confront your darker, more hidden nature.

Others might tell you to lay off the sci-fi books and just enjoy the scenery. You came in here on purpose, right? Quit overthinking everything and just enjoy the stalagmites and stalactites and richardstallmans and whatever. Remember: if there’s water, you won’t run into anything with rabies!

Probably.

Wear this shirt: to really mess with Bruce Wayne’s head.

Don’t wear this shirt: around Gollum. You wouldn’t like it if some dude was showing off pictures of your ex’s house, would you?

This shirt tells the world: “Hope never brings its own ladder.”

We call this color: Into The Inky Blackness

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ESPN, eat your heart out.

1st place in Derby #120: Double-Take Derby 7, with 895 votes!

Oh how long you’ve laughed at us over here at Versus. “Sure, you can have NHL games, Versus! Nobody watches ‘em anyway!” You scoffed at us when we were OLN and ran 24-hour logging competition shows. Your “SportsCenter” re-runs at 2pm weekdays regularly outperform our brand new episodes of “Sports Soup.” You have NFL; we have UFL. Well we’ve been staring at your tail in the ratings long enough. It’s been 14 years of development, but our big guns are coming out just in time for Sweeps.

Bears. On. Freaking. ATVs.

Pick your jaw up off the floor; it’s unbecoming. Besides, I didn’t even get to the hook. Oh that’s right. Bears on ATVs is only half of this equation. See, they’re riding an obstacle course. That EXPLODES.

What do you mean, why? Because it’s AMAZING television, that’s why. Because our sponsors are going to stab each other in the TEETH fighting for airtime, that’s why. I’ll tell you something, this is going to put Versus on the map. We won’t even need that stupid Matt Iseman. I can finally sell him back to Clean House on HGTV. I’m going to miss you, ESPN, I really am. You were a worthy foe, but let’s be honest: this is an exploding ursine knife through the heart of your network. Peter? Who the hell is Peter? Oh, PETA. Oh…PETA.

Damn you ESPN.

Wear this shirt: At every waking moment of every day. The residual awesome may start to rub off on you.

Don’t wear this shirt: To a Supercross event. People are just going to get depressed when they realize the race is not going to be NEARLY as exciting as it should.

This shirt tells the world: There is not even a remote chance I am going to find you interesting.

We call this color: Burnt Bear Brown

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Howard Hughes could tell you all about it (if he were alive, and sane). You can dream, you can hope, you can draw up plans, but it doesn't mean your creation will actually fly. The recipients of Honorable Mentions for Derby #119: Flight may not have invested as much time and money in their Spruce Geese as Hughes did, but we're sure their feelings are just as bittersweet...

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The Berlin Wall fell almost exactly 20 years ago. The whole Soviet Bloc was soon to follow. While they weren't too good at running a society, the Soviets knew how to make a striking propaganda poster. We think it's time to apply that effective visual style to the everyday problems of human interaction, the unwritten rules that help us all get along. Don't change the radio station in someone else's car. Don't go snooping in your friends' medicine cabinets. Always say nice things about a new parent's choice of baby name, whether you mean it or not. You know, the sort of thing that's always getting Larry David in trouble.

This week, create a t-shirt exhorting people to follow one or more of these rules, in a recognizably propagandistic style. The classic Russian style can be seen here, here, here, and here. But don't forget the Cubans and the Chinese. And keep in mind that we Americans used to be pretty good at this sort of thing, too.

Text is allowed as part of a graphic-oriented design. This is looser than our "incidental text" rule, but we still don't want all-slogan shirts.

No world leaders or other recognizable figures. Sorry, but otherwise we'll get hundreds of "When you double-dip, you party with Hitler"-type designs.

No video-game references.

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P&A

Eats Shoots and Leaves to Take a Bath

The panda knows how to relax. After a long day, nothing soothes a panda’s aching body—adorably round but nonetheless susceptible to fatigue—like a long soak in a hot bath. Calgon takes him away. It’s an ancient Chinese secret. He peels off the work uniform, eases into the tub, and takes 20 badly-needed minutes of pure panda time.

It’s a cute image, but you know what? We always figured they were black bears with white unitards and balaclavas on, not white bears with black evening gloves and stockings.

Wear this shirt: to cover your bear skin. Get it? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, those homophones!

Don’t wear this shirt: in the bath. Seriously, do you not understand how bathing works, or what?

This shirt tells the world: “Bamboooh, bambaaah.”

We call this color: You’re On Royal Bluuuue / You Live In A Zoooo / You Look Like A Bear, But / There Has Actually Been Some Debate Among Taxonomists Throughout History As To Whether That Is In Fact The Most Accurate Term For Youuuu

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An Acronym A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Now, let’s take a look here at these charges.

Hmm. Of course you are aware that, as your insurance representative, it’s my job to be sure that you get the very best treatment your plan allows for. So let us take a look and see… the basic plan? Well, all right. We’ll see what we’ve got to work with.

Okay, first of all, it seems that you were first sad at… thirteen? Likely it happened before then, but we don’t need to debate that part. All we can prove is that, here in your diary, you put “today I am so sad” in glitter pen. So that makes this a pre-existing condition, which means we aren’t liable for coverage. You’ll have to pay for the ROFLs and LMAOs out of your own pocket. So sorry, but my hands are tied.

As to the matter of the general malaise, I think that does seem to be a recent thing, but we’re going to have to insist you go with a generic. I’m going to hold up this picture of a kitten using bad grammar and let you stare at it for thirty seconds. Oh, and we’re not going to be able to pay for that tickle therapy either, as that comes under alternative medicine. If you ask me, it doesn’t really make you laugh at all, it’s just the placebo effect. Are you ready? Okay, here comes the kitten. Starting… now.

Wear this shirt: when you’re feeling funny.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you, like us, are aware that THE WORD HEE HAS TWO LETTER E’S IN IT AND SO “HEHE” IS OFFENSIVE AND TROUBLING AND DEMEANS US ALL. You are from England, David, you should know these things. Shame on you. Shame. On. You.

This shirt tells the world: “I developed a tolerance so they had to switch my prescription to OMG, WTF, and a horse tranquilizer.”

We call this color: Medicinal Grass

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Selling Goldfish By The Pound

Don’t believe me? I’ll show you the picture.

Yeah, that’s it right there. I bet you thought I was telling some sort of fish story . But I wasn’t. I caught that sucker with my own hands. Took a long time, too.

Yeah, everyone was staring at me after a while, but I just ignored them. I stayed steady, and focused. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I was gonna bring this baby home. And then, after what felt like hours, I had it. I put my ping pong ball right in the bowl. The carnie just shrugged, but I knew he respected me for pulling it off.

Before it went in the bag of water, I had the guy string it up so I could take this picture. Unfortunately, the whole process took a little too long, so the poor fish suffocated. It worked out all right, though, because I still had two balls left. Hey, you want to see the one I finally took home? He’s over here in the…

...aw, man. Guess we gotta go back to the State Fair tomorrow and try again.

Wear this shirt: if your memory is only about eight seconds. That’s roughly the length of a goldfish’s memory. Also, you can wear it if your memory is only about eight seconds. That’s roughly the length of a goldfish’s memory. Or you can wear it if your memory is about eight seconds. That’s roughly the length of a goldfish’s memory. So you’ve got plenty of options. You could even wear it if you memory was only about eight seconds!

Don’t wear this shirt: and lie on your back with your belly up. Someone might try to flush you.

This shirt tells the world: “I grow to the size of my surroundings!”

We call this color: If That’s Just A Baby Blue Maybe You Should Throw It Back

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An unseasonable warm spell in St. Louis means you see a lot more t-shirts on the streets, unconcealed by jackets or sweaters. Maybe this climate-change thing won't be so bad for our business, assuming anyone's left alive to buy t-shirts. Here's our weekly top 20, along with the shirts whose season ends tonight:

Survivors (position last week/weeks on chart)

• 01 The Binge (2/8)
• 02 Zombie Candycorn (1/2)
• 03 Gummistone Park (3/4)
• 04 Computer Mice (-/1)
• 05 Nevermore (5/83)
• 06 Imposter (7/41)
• 07 13th Gloom Street (4/2)
• 08 Some Motivation Required (11/36)
• 09 Campfire Tales (9/4)
• 10 It Came Out Of Nowhere (12/24)
• 11 Cupcake Costume Party (6/2)
• 12 Harvest Traditions (8/5)
• 13 Donut Panic! (13/57)
• 14 Music is Life (14/31)
• 15 Almost Too Complicated (10/5)
• 16 The Chemist (16/10)
• 17 The Epic Begins (15/43)
• 18 You Have to Try This Guys (17/37)
• 19 Grim Optimism (20/46)
• 20 I Just Call it Housekeeping (19/6)

Casualties (position last week/weeks on chart)

• 21 Sperm Whales Make Great Seamen (-/1)
• 22 Who Wants to Live Forever? (18/2)
• 23 Popcorn Chicken (-/1)
• 24 Boneheads (-/1)
• 25 Trick or Cheese (-/1)
• 26 Wolf Out! (-/1)
• 27 Deadbeard’s Curse (-/1)

Bystanders (not eligible for Reckoning until next week)

• Big On The Inside
• The Spoilers Of Winter
• Dragon Bowl
• You Starin’ At Somethin’, Punk?
• One Flight Per Customer
• Something I Must Do
• Sky Fishing

Don't look now, but The Binge is back! Last week, Zombie Candycorn ousted it from #1 after six straight weeks, but a post-Halloween slump dropped that shirt to #2 and lifted our furry, blue, nauseated friend back to the top of the chart. Otherwise, a slow week, with Computer Mice making a strong debut at #4, bumping Who Wants to Live Forever? into oblivion in just its second week. Buy the Casualties while you can - we're dumping them at midnight.

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Style Is My Broadsword

Check it, fantasy geeks: just because you’re pretending you live in the Middle Ages doesn’t mean your look has to be outdated.

Check it, fantasy geeks: just because you’re pretending you live in the Middle Ages doesn’t mean your look has to be outdated.

It's time for a fashion revolution to sweep the sword 'n' sorcery world. Just picture medieval Mods tangling with orc Rockers on cobblestoned backstreets. Imagine the sound of amped-up elfin guitars rocking to a magickal backbeat. A taste for wizards and battleaxes isn’t a life sentence to slovenliness. Chop off the ponytail, ditch the clunky, unflattering armor, and get hip to the now – or at least, the “now” of forty years ago. Hey, it’s an improvement.

Wear this shirt: when you’re riding your enchanted Vespa to the final confrontation at the Dark, Dread Castle of Unhip Evil.

Don’t wear this shirt: while filking. It doesn’t deserve that kind of degradation.

This shirt tells the world: “W-w-w-warlocks try to put us d-d-d-down.”

We call this color: Cranberry Vine.

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