Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Hey, kid. You look new. Lemme give you a few pointers.

Yeah, I’ve been ridin’ the rails since I was installed on the rails.

Listen, kid. You might think you’re one tough robot now, all alone against the world, but I’ve been around the block long enough to know you ain’t gonna make it long without a little kindness from your fellow bots. I don’t just mean handouts, neither. I’m talkin’ about the code.

The Robo Hobo Code! No one told you about the code? Aw, cripes, kid. You’re worse off than I thought. Listen, when you make your way from town to town you gotta notice the little things. Every robo hobo keeps a small laser engraver installed to be able to notch out a binary barcode on a fence post or a trash can or somewhere inconspicuous to let the others know what’s what. You don’t want to just stumble into some trouble, so we all use these codes as a way to help each other out.

For instance, if you see 01100001 00100000 01110000 01101001 01100011 01110100 01110101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110100, that means there’s a nice woman living at that place. So you can probably play on her sympathies and get a hot meal out of her, maybe some 10W30 or some synthetic diagnostic repair strips. And if you see 01100001 00100000 01110010 01110101 01100100 01101001 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101111 01110000 01101000 01100001 01110100, that means the same thing except it’s a malebot living there, so you’ll want to impress him with how you’re looking for work, got a family to feed, that sort of thing.

Take note if you notice someone’s engraved 01100001 00100000 01100011 01110010 01101111 01110011 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100011 01101001 01110010 01100011 01101100 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110010 01100101 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110100 01110011 anywhere. That means there’s a mechanic nearby who will patch ya up for free. But if you see 01100001 00100000011000110110100101110010011000110110110001100101, move on. It means there’s nothin’ around worth checkin’ out. No, what you’re really lookin’ for is 01100001 00100000 01100011 01101001 01110010 01100011 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01111000 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110100. That’s the signal that there’s somethin’ to be had.

Be careful if you see 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110100 anywhere, though. That means the robo-cops are out and lookin’ for types like us. See? It pays to know the signals, kid. And it’s robo-hobo etiquette to engrave them yourself for the next fella passin’ through as well. We maybe rejects of society, but we gotta stick together.

Wear this shirt: While petitioning to bring back that show BattleBots. Remember that show? That was kinda neat.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you could afford to donate it to the Robo-Goodwill.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m a leaking-engine robo-socialist.”

We call this color: From the rough silver of the tracks.

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Just let it happen

Let’s just get over it, okay? Facebook controls our lives, and that’s just the way it is.

Let’s just stop pretending shall we? Let’s give up this ruse that we can just give up Facebook anytime, okay? It’s part of us now. A guiding part of us.

It’s where we go to announce our accomplishments. Or to cry about how much fun all of our friends are having because they haven’t graduated college yet. Or to rant about politics that we don’t understand. Or to track each and every stage of our pregnancies, sometimes with unnecessarily graphic details and photos.

We can not only watch movies on it, as in movies someone has posted to Facebook; we can also watch movies on it, as in movies about Facebook.

It’s even where we go when we need an easy and convenient way to communicate, to all of our friends at once, just how stupid and useless Facebook is. See, even its detractors can’t stay away. That’s how you build a business with a projected $5 billion dollar IPO: by making it so that the haters who gonna hate end up using your thing to hate on your thing.

So c’mon, it’s time to buy a shirt about it, a shirt that takes an old phrase and Facebook-ized it. Seriously, we’ve already Facebook-ized everything else in our lives, so why not our apparel?

Wear this shirt: to a networking event.

Don’t wear this shirt: when you’re visiting your grandma. You’ll be lucky if you get to the part where you say, “And then, so, when people post stuff, there’s this button you can click” before you lose her.

This shirt tells the world: “Just because we’re addicted doesn’t mean we can’t POKE fun! GET IT??!”

We call this color: Royal Blue, or, as it’ll be known in the future, Zukerbergian Blue.

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Tuesdays are for taking a breath and taking it all in. The Reckoning happened yesterday; seven shirts were cast off forever and now we're left to pick through the pieces and figure out where the next seven will fit. Here are your Reckoning standings as of when I copied and pasted this:

1. Shhhhhhh 
2. Lifetime Achievement Award
3. Family Breakfast
4. Hold Still Guys!
5. Motivation
6. We're more than famous!
7. Playing Koi (noob)
8. The Binge
9. Unstealthiest Ninja II: The Unstealthening
10. It Came Out Of Nowhere
11. They See Me Rollin'
12. Unstealthiest Ninja
13. The Birthplace of Inspiration
    
14. Nevermore
15. Run Away! Run Away!
16. Makin' Bread
17. Code of Arms
18. Schrödinger’s Equation
19. Acquired Taste
20. Vampires!
    
    The Danger Zone
    

• Elements of Life (noob)
• Winners at Life
  
• District 14 (noob)
• Blossom (noob)
• Love Conquers All (noob)
• Sheep in Wolf's Clothing (noob)

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We came to the Shirt.Woot faithful with our hats in our hands and our hearts on our sleeves and begged: please let's do something besides turtles and penguins and bunnies. We even went so far as to suggest one of our more artistic themes in recent memory, a Derby inspired by watercolors! The results were awesome. Really. One of the best Derbies ever. Sadly not everyone got to win and get printed, but here are a few we would love to give a second chance:

Majesty

by anemality

Insert tawdry Katy Perry song lyric here.

 

Out of the Blue

by Radscoolian

Hi, my name's Mike and I'm a Testors Modeling Glue-aholic.

 

Painted Tyger

by radiomode

Pretty sure you can still get these airbrushed at Six Flags.

 

kiss of death

by kaseyfleming

"Let he who has a clean browsing history cast the first stone!"

 

Portrait of Night-time

by stardamsel

"Psst. You've got an owl on your neck."

 

Who goes there

by ApeLad

Some OTHER t-shirt sites might add a sophomoric "How many licks?" tagline to increase sales. Hmm, that might not be a bad idea.

 

Gone With The Sunset

by expo01

This is like a t-shirt Rorschach test. If you see a beautiful sunset, you're well adjusted. If you see a horrific explosion and plumes of toxic smoke curling into a blood-red sky, you're me.

 

Fish Out Of Water

by captainfantastic

Finally, somethin' fancy for Captain D's night!

 

Bird Lover

by walmazan

Oh, it's because the cat loves them so much that he kills them and oh god this is starting to hit close to home.

 

Fade away

by xiaobaosg

A million mouth-breathing, overweight American dudes in their basements just sighed with longing.

 

Crow Jane

by kdeuce

Nothing makes someone question your personality quirks like an affinity for scavengers.

 

Mariposa

by kdeuce

This would look GREAT on your lower back.

 

Castle on a Cloud

by werewolfskippy

It didn't really have to stop. It just kept on going.

 

That's it for this week! We'll keep these at the top of the list for our next Double-Take Derby, but until then be sure to pop by this week's Derby and see what designs are cookin'!

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Did you have a nice Super Bowl Sunday? Eat your weight in dip? Discover new limits on the human body's endurance for prolonged flatulance? Maybe you overindulged so much your shirts are feeling a little tighter today. Worry not! You can pick up a new one at our Reckoning page, and if you're into looking unique, we recommend you pick up one of these seven. After midnight tonight, they'll be gone forever:

• Meatatarian
  
• Deep Sea Reader
  
• A Wild Night
  
• Mister Poe's Guilt Trip (noob)
• Epic Hairball (noob)
• Theory of the Robot Voice (noob)
• Housewarming Gifts (noob)

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Open The Package, Ruin The Mystery

Sometimes it’s best not knowing, you know?

It’s like I told my wife: “I don’t care how many of my friends you’ve slept with behind my back. As long as I don’t know about it, I can’t be disappointed.” Eight years later, her illicit infidelity still lurks in the shadows like a movie monster everyone knows is there but me, and we’re still going strong.

It’s the same deal with these random shirts! I’ve got tons of unopened packages of randoms that I’ve purchased from Shirt.Woot over the years, and not a single one of them has ever been opened. Why? Because right now every one of those shirts has the potential to be the greatest one they’ve ever produced. Once I take a look inside and see what I’ve been sent, all that magic is gone. And what’s worse, I might be left with a crap-ton of cartoon turtles and penguins. This way, I never ever have to know the truth! I’m telling you, ignorance really is bliss!

Oops, hold on a second. My phone’s ringing. Hello? Oh hey, Johnny! What’s that? Hang on, I’ll ask her. Honey? Johnny wants to know if you guys can meet up for late-night coffee at the In-N-Out Hourly Motel tonight. Also, he told me to put air quotes around the “late-night coffee” part. When should I tell him you’ll meet him?

Wear this shirt: because it’d be a waste of money if you didn’t.

Don’t wear this shirt: and use it as a flashy dust rag or window wiper-downer thing. TOWEL. That’s the word I was thinking of.

This shirt tells the world: “If it’s clean and cheap, I’ll wear it.”

We call this color: Wouldn’t You Like To Know

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They tower over the literatures of their respective nations. They've shaped our language, our ideas, and our mustaches. And they've dominated the Shirt.Woot charts for years. But until now, they've never stood quill-to-quill in the ring. Shirt.Woot is proud to present Poe vs. Shakespeare, the knock-down, drag-out bookbrawl that will leave one master in pieces!

The following tees, long-sleeves, posters, hoodies, and totes are divided evenly between the Bard of Avon and the Brooder of Baltimore. The final bell will toll (yes, we know that's John Donne) at the stroke of midnight on the morning of Monday, February 13. Orders will begin shipping on February 15.

Long-Sleeve Tee - $20

Poe-etic Long-Sleeve Tee

by Joao Lauro Fonte

That is the Question Long-Sleeve Tee

by Adam Koford

Poster 16"x 20" - $15

Mister Poe’s Guilt Trip Poster

by Anna-Maria Jung

Shakespeare A-Z Poster

by Brett Waldon AKA SeedUvPain

Pullover Hoodie - $25

Masque of the Red Death Pullover Hoodie

by Zenne

Monkey Play Pullover Hoodie

by tgentry

Tee - $15

Monkey Play

by tgentry

Perchance to Dream T-Shirt

by Drakxxx & Crescentdebris

Poe-etic T-Shirt

by Joao Lauro Fonte

Quoth the Raven

by personnemaime

Terrible Sanity T-Shirt

by Drakxxx & Crescentdebris

Verona Apothecary

by jewelwing

Tote - $10

Masque of the Red Death Tote

by Zenne

Quoth the Raven Tote

by personnemaime

Read The Whole Book! Tote

by Spiritgreen

Verona Apothecary Tote

by jewelwing

May the best genius win! And if you're one of those people whose idea of literary rivalry is "which memoir is better, Snooki's or Sanjaya's?", we'll be back next with a new Shirt.Woot event made of less challenging material.

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You Don’t Know Who You Were Until You Finish

3rd place in Derby #236: Watercolors, with 647 votes!

One hundred years ago there was a savage warrior. No one knew who had taught him the craft, and no one knew where he had begun to kill. All they knew was that one day, he had walked into the village with no life in his eyes and the blood of his enemies staining his armor and hair. And then, without stopping, he climbed to the halfway point of a nearby mountain where the gods were said to live. Quickly the mountain was covered in clouds. And no one saw the savage warrior again.

Over the days ahead the gentle town wondered what they should be doing. This savage warrior had stood at the front of many wars, slaughtered many armies. His name was known to every general and every king. And the rumor was he had found no true challenger on the Earth, so had walked to storm the very gates of Heaven itself. Were they in danger? Was there any risk? But none of them were brave enough to cross into the clouds. Fearfully, they waited.

In a month, the clouds moved away. A few of the braver townspeople decided to walk up the mountain and see for themselves. As they neared the halfway point they saw scars across the rock, like a great whip had fallen. As they neared the peak they saw strange glowing rings too heavy to lift, as though an impossible armor had been chipped and broken. And at the very top of the mountain, they found an open space where the stone had been pressed down like wheat. And at the center of this space was a tree.

Within a generation, the savage warrior’s name was forgotten. No one knows it today. His victories and conquests have all been pushed aside like the scraps from a poorly made meal. But on the top of that far away mountain, in the center of an unnaturally flat clearing, there still stands a tree. And that tree bends with branches that reach toward the sky, and the leaves still hang like bloody hair.

Wear this shirt: because beauty extracts its own revenge.

Don’t wear this shirt: too boldly. Remember, though art mortal.

This shirt tells the world: “It’s not what we’ve done. It’s how we’re remembered.”

We call this color: Time Can Turn A Dark Soul White

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This is complete bull.

2nd place in Derby #236: Watercolors, with 663 votes!

“Alright, we’re all here, Wheeler. What’s going on?”

“Yeah, man, make it quick. I’ve got a lot to do in the hydroponic garden.”

“Seriously?”

“What? Oh whatever, you bunch of hypocrites. Everyone gets all high and mighty when I’m growing it, but no one seems to mind when it’s time to pass it around.”

“Check it, guys. I need to talk to you about Mati.”

“What about him?”

“Did that f&%*ing monkey s%^$ in my bed again? I swear to Gaia, I’m gonna ring up a tornado and blast that monkey into the g&%$&n stratosphere.”

“What do I look like, your laundry service? Check your own damn bed for monkey turds. No, I’m talking about the distribution of wealth in this organization.”

“What’s the big deal? Five Planeteers so we cut everything five ways.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s BS. I think Mati should only get half a share.”

“Hey, f&*% you, man!”

“Mati!”

“Yeah, you think I didn’t know about your secret little meeting? Oh yeah, everybody thinks poor ol’ Mati will just hang out in his bunk, playing with his monkey!”

“HAHAHA-”

“I meant SUCHI, you a&&%$*e! My ACTUAL pet monkey! How could you idiots think I wouldn’t know about this? My ring gives me friggin’ telepathy.”

“All I’m sayin’ is last week we were all in deep s%&^ takin’ on Dr. Blight, and NO ONE knew what to do until I whipped up a huge f&%&in’ fireball and blew her whole lab to kingdom come.”

“Then I was able to bring in some waves from the ocean and put out the fire.”

“And I buried the whole caustic mess with some sand.”

“And I carried the smoke up into the atmosphere before anyone could breathe it in.”

“And what did you do, Mati?”

“Okay, so on ONE job I didn’t have anything to do.”

“Yeah, what about the time before that with Mame Slaughter?”

“Well that was-”

“And that time Verminous Skumm was holding me hostage?”

“Well, Kwame got there before-”

“And when the Pinehead Brothers were-”

“Okay! OKAY! I get it! You know what?! FINE! Screw you guys! I’m outta here!”

“Wow, that was rough.”

“Yeah, but necessary.”

“Who’s gonna wear the heart ring now?”

“Who cares? Use it as a toe ring for all I care. We don’t need it.”

“I get his monkey.”

Wear this shirt: While making efforts to take pollution down to zero.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re not fighting on the planet’s side.

This shirt tells the world: “You can keep the good vibes and feelings and crap. I’m a person of action.”

We call this color: The creme is yours!

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It's Friday, and that means it's time to get your Reckoning on! All our shirts are still up for grabs, but come Monday at noon the bottom seven sellers will be locked and loaded for quick disposal. You can change all that, of course, by buying the shirts you like and helping bump them up in the standings. Or you can stand idly by and watch the chaos unfold. Choice is yours, we guess.

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