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Stop Dragon My Heart Around

Sir Modosbane, I’m your appointed attorney. Pleased to meet you.

Now, I am aware you only speak Olde Englishe, but that’s very much like Modern Lawyer so we should have no language barrier issues between us. I want to go over a few things about this exciting new world you’re in today. I understand that you were brought here by a “strange bewitching at the hands of Lady Morgaine”? Yes, well, we’ll look into that, it could help in the civil suit. But you have to be aware that there are laws here, just like there were in your time, and there are things you simply won’t be able do.

First of all, dragons are no longer an evil force possessed of great intelligence. No, Sir Modosbane, not these days. There’s this thing called “selective breeding” and… okay, you know how your beloved King is mighty and powerful and just? Yes, well, imagine tomorrow he marries his cousin, and they have a child, and the child goes and marries HIS cousin, and this happens for twenty generations straight, and then… exactly, big ears and an overbite. And that’s the dragons we’ve got today. They’re slovenly and gluttonous and are perfectly happy to sit in a cage and eat rotting meat all day while we stare at them for fun. We don’t have to fight them at all now. That is to say, as long as we don’t break the glass, which I think I can convince the court you simply didn’t understand. No, no, don’t say a word about when glass was invented, I have no idea, and if I don’t know, I don’t have an ethical issue saying you don’t know either. Understand?

Okay, well, for right now, you’ll be released on bail, which I got by selling your mint condition antique shield, but you’ve got a couple rules to keep in mind. One, you can’t be within thirty feet- sorry, fifty hog’s heads -of any kind of lizard until this thing is settled. No skinks, no salamanders, and, obviously, no dragons at all. Secondly, you’ll have to leave your armor off for the time being. And no sword. Oh, it’s enchanted? Can it talk? Well… that might make it sentient, in which case… Sir Modosbane, would you be willing to testify against your sword? Maybe say it pressured you into… no, no, calm down, Sir Modosbane, it was just a suggestion. Boy, you’ve got a lot to learn about the justice system, I’ll tell you that right now.

Wear this shirt: to the zoo! It keeps security on their toes.

Don’t wear this shirt: around skeletons, vampires, ghouls, bog creatures, hippogriffs, evil wizards or hipster princesses unwilling to admit they’re just waiting to be rescued.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m just like Sharon Stone’s Stupid Ex-Husband!”

We call this color: What Kind Of Hero Makes A Little Girl Drop Her Ice Creme Take Him Away Boys

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WHAT shirt has scrambled to the top of the sales heap? WHICH new shirts struck your fancy squarely enough to stick around for more fancy-strikin'? HOW in the hell is a Shirt.Wooter supposed to find all the shirts we have for sale? All shall be revealed on the Reckoning page. And if you chance to covet one of our lowest-selling shirts, buy 'em while we got 'em: we'll take them off the market at midnight Central time tonight.

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If you're a designer, copywriter, or web developer, and you regularly read Clients from Hell (which you definitely should), you'll appreciate this. Type-design superstar Jessica Hische has created the Invoice for Day-Ruining, a tear-off pad of forms you can send to those clients. It asks monetary compensation for things like "the cocktails/beer I will need to calm my nerves" and "the general feeling of ickiness I get, each and every time we communicate".

$25 might seem a little steep for a set of admittedly good-looking forms, but if you can get even one of those shamefaced clients to pony up, it'll pay for itself. Of course, you're more likely to get fired from the project, so don't hold either us or Jessica responsible for that (nor Swiss Miss, where we first saw this). Forms don't make people mad, people make people mad.

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Still, It’s No Narwhal

Now if you feel that you’re all alone

And you notice all the birds have flown
Well then, baby, you should be a’knowing
That they had a reason to be going
Because a predator’s been around
Darlin’
Peep ouuuuuut
Peep ouuuuuut, peep out and see

Owl, he’s there
And he’s got one eye on youuuu
Owl, he’s there
And he’s seeing every thing you dooo

And when you’re lying there in the bath
Or when you’re outside pumping your gas
When you’re buying pumpkins in the market
Or you’re visiting La Brea Tar Pits
Or you’re out buying an ice cream cone
Darlin’
Peep ouuuuuuut
Peep ouuuuuuut, and then you’ll see

Owl, he’s there
And he’s got one eye on youuuu
Owl, he’s there
And he’s seeing every thing you dooo

Owl, he’s there, he’s always watching you
Owl, he’s there, it’s getting kinda creepy too

He keeps notes on when you go to bed
He swears he’ll see your lover dead
The cops his hideout haven’t found
Because he never lands on the ground
He stays in high branches of course
Where restraining orders aren’t enforced
Darling
Move ouuuuuuuuut
Move ouuuuuuuuut, just flee

Owl, he’s there
He’s taking candid shots of youuuu
Owl, he’s there
He swears he’s gonna marry youuuu
Owl, he’s there
He’s swearing that his love is truuuue
Owl, he’s there
And he’s seeing every thing you dooo

Wear this shirt: as a warning. Wear a button-up. Keep your back to the owl and he won’t be able to see it. Open it slowly so the other person can see. Nod imperceptibly and then button up again.

Don’t wear this shirt: to Hooters. They’ve got cameras everywhere.

This shirt tells the world: “Who, me?”

We call this color: Roy-owl Blue

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But not in a Celine Dion way

3rd place in Derby #132: Heart, with 763 votes!

It happens to everybot. You come to a point where you just feel completely depleted. Like you couldn’t possibly continue. You gave and you gave and you gave and now there’s nothing left. You can’t go on like that forever, that’s just thermodynamics.

What you have to do when you get to that point is just shut down and recharge. Take a little you time. Find a quiet corner with an available wall outlet and soak up what you need. Because honey, 10 IF you don’t take care of yourself, 20 THEN who’s going to take care of you?

Wear this shirt: in the company of your current significant other.

Don’t wear this shirt: in the company of alternating current significant others.

This shirt tells the world: “I measure heartache in Hz.”

We call this color: Recharge Red

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Because Even Punks Need Hearts

2nd place in Derby #132: Heart, with 845 votes!

OK, Mr. Tinman, let’s open you up and take a look. Aw yeah, what you got here is, you got the auxiliary intake valve clogged with all kindsa gunk here. That’s probably why you’ve been so short of breath lately. Dizzy spells, you said? Yeah, that’d explain it. If that was the main intake, you’d be scrap metal by now.

But don’t worry, you’ll be feeling emotions again in no time. Just lemme… all right… there you go, you should be all set. You know, you’re lucky to have good friends telling you to come get this checked out. Most of the sparrows I know can’t even talk.

Wear this shirt: to show the surgeons where to put the transplant.

Don’t wear this shirt: with your iron top hat, your diesel armor bodice, your welder’s goggles, and your WWI British infantryman’s boots. T-shirts aren’t period enough.

This shirt tells the world: “Good night, Barney Clark, wherever you are.”

We call this color: Heart A-black.

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Don't forget: while you look forward to another carefree weekend, our lowest-selling shirts are nervously awaiting their final judgment. You can follow the action, such as it is, on the Reckoning page. That also happens to be where you can see - and buy - all of our available shirts. But we wouldn't dare sully this solemn occasion with thoughts of commerce.

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"No win? I won!" That's what these palindromic also-rans can say now that they've been honored with an Honorable Mention for their entries in Derby #131: Palindromes...

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The Telltale Sign

1st place in Derby #132: Heart, with 1123 votes!

What do all these diverse lifeforms have in common? OK, you’d rather not be set up on a blind date with any of them, but what else? (Wait, really? Even Frankie? He’s really sweet when you get to know him, you should give him a chance.)

That’s right, they’ve all got heart. And, if we ever learned anything from the great Washington Senators manager Van Buren, it’s that heart is what you gotta have. The rest of the circulatory system is helpful as well, but without the main pump, it’s just so much stringy goop.

Say, this just occurred to us, but when you think about the word “courage” etymologically, it sort of seems like the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man wanted almost the same thing. It’s strange that the Lion was asking for something abstract, though, like “courage,” while the Scarecrow and Tin Man needed actual organ donations. Maybe Baum should have symbolized the Lion’s deficiency anatomically, as with the other characters Dorothy encounters. He could have had the Lion ask the Wizard for cojones.

Wear this shirt: when you’re feeling heart smart.

Don’t wear this shirt: during open-heart surgery, either as the patient or the physician.

This shirt tells the world: “Here I sit, broken-hearted.”

We call this color: Hearther Gray

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According to the traditional Chinese calendar, February 14 marks the beginning of the year 4707. According to sheng xiao - the so-called Chinese Zodiac - it also begins the Year of the Tiger. In honor of this most auspicious portent, this week we want you to use any or all of the 12 animals in the Chinese Zodiac, and only those animals: no other animals, no humans, no other animate characters of any kind. You don't have to relate your design to the Chinese Zodiac at all, but we'd get a kick out of it if you did (and, we hope, so would the voters). Consult that Wikipedia link, or the nearest Chinese restaurant placemat, and get to it.

No video-game references.

No text, including Chinese characters.