Shirt.Woot

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

I feel smarter... and full of The Day the Ponies Come Back (2000)

AZGman wrote:Keep your day-to-day mundane real existence out of here.

Let the fun begin . . .

Thought for the day.... Gawd, how I love logic in its purest form. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop; Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s#it .

How does Lady Gaga like her vegetables?














....raw, raw, ra-ra-raw!

‎"A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse."

Lynnzoi wrote:‎"A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse."

Just another joke to keep the black horse down.

I hope I didn't get banned for that previous tasteless picture earlier. If this posts, than I'm not banned, so thank you and deepest apologies for going over the line from bawdy to offensive. I now know where that line is!

kenney9226 wrote:I hope I didn't get banned for that previous tasteless picture earlier. If this posts, than I'm not banned, so thank you and deepest apologies for going over the line from bawdy to offensive. I now know where that line is!

sorry I missed it.

j5 wrote:sorry I missed it.

me too

j5 wrote:sorry I missed it.

Iceback wrote:me too

Well, if you "really" want to possibly be offended, it's here:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MomIrbtziOo/TnyVgSrLblI/AAAAAAAAWIg/2nwJ4yCbtq8/s400/P-P-P-PONY_card21.jpeg

oh, part of the word is a woot filter replacement, so you know it must be bad! Probably if you hit reply you'll see the offensive language and can take it from there, you smartypantses!

kenney9226 wrote:Well, if you "really" want to possibly be offended, it's here:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MomIrbtziOo/TnyVgSrLblI/AAAAAAAAWIg/2nwJ4yCbtq8/s400/P-P-P-PONY_card21.jpeg

Oh yeah, I did see that. Didn't really get it, but I've seen similar requests on regretsy. so I guess it was legit?

kenney9226 wrote:Well, if you "really" want to possibly be offended, it's here:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MomIrbtziOo/TnyVgSrLblI/AAAAAAAAWIg/2nwJ4yCbtq8/s400/P-P-P-PONY_card21.jpeg

oh, part of the word is a woot filter replacement, so you know it must be bad! Probably if you hit reply you'll see the offensive language and can take it from there, you smartypantses!

//chortle!!!

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

AZGman wrote:Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the Mc Don ald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.



Here are the Stella's for the past year:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Santa repudiatorson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Santa repudiatorson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Santa repudiatorson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Santa repudiatorson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more....

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

* SECOND PLACE *

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home! Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


Can we, as a society, get any more stupid....

richardhod wrote:http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

whatever.

still funny.

Two trucks loaded with 1,000 copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a NY publishing house. The books spewed out into the street. Witnesses were stunned, staggered, startled, aghast, shocked, taken aback, stupefied, horrified, dismayed, bewildered, amazed, astonished and astounded.

I was in a pub on Saturday night and had a few whenI noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you twit!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Then the lights went out...

THE TOILET SEAT


My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) lol

My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

What do you call dinosaur car crashes?




Tyrannosaurus WRECKS!

Mavyn wrote:What do you call dinosaur car crashes?




Tyrannosaurus WRECKS!

I don't get it.

AZGman wrote:I don't get it.

Rex = Wrecks?

Mavyn wrote:Rex = Wrecks?

Ohhhh. Much funnier now!!!

AZGman wrote:Ohhhh. Much funnier now!!!

Yeah, that one works better spoken.

Ok, another one:

What do polar bears eat?


Brrrrrrrgrrrrs!

Mavyn wrote:Yeah, that one works better spoken.

Ok, another one:

What do polar bears eat?


Brrrrrrrgrrrrs!

I'm pullin' yer leg!!!

My intent with this thread was for humor with a racier and more adult edge without becoming vulgar.

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: Dig a deep hole in the ice, place a ring of frozen peas all around the outside, and wait. When the polar bear comes over to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate] )
7. Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers
16. Headlight dimmer switches on the floor

Bummer - I remember all of them.