Shirt.Woot

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "My egg timer's broken."

Lynnzoi wrote:She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "My egg timer's broken."

I don't get it.

AZGman wrote:

I don't get it.

surely you jest

Lynnzoi wrote:

surely you jest

She must like her eggs boiled really hard.

AZGman wrote:

She must like her eggs boiled really hard.

methinks she was makin them 3-min eggs

Lynnzoi wrote:

methinks she was makin them 3-min eggs

A dozen of 'em? One at a time!

Note this line: * His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." *


When ya don't get it often, ya get it as fast as ya can.

AZGman wrote:Note this line: * His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." *


When ya don't get it often, ya get it as fast as ya can.

get in, get out...no muckin about??

(line from a song, btw)

Lynnzoi wrote:

get in, get out...no muckin about??

(line from a song, btw)

More like, "This won't hurt did it?"

AZGman wrote:

More like, "This won't hurt did it?"

ROFLMAO

daj59 wrote:Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Heh....heard that one about 10 yrs ago. So my ex and i were out drinking one night and laughing about that joke.....we ended up with a ladder and some letters for a sign. We went to our best friends' business, which is a jewelry store. We changed their sign to read "FREE SEX WITH $100 PURCHASE"".
People are still laughing about that.

poor husband...

Edit:

Really, I should be saying poor wife!

for those with teenage boys

Grab a calculator.

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number ( NOT the
Area code )
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??

pblgov wrote:Grab a calculator.

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number ( NOT the
Area code )
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??

I had the wort time trying to get that to work on an adding machine. Not sure where calculator went, but adding machine never leaves this room...

dontwantaname wrote:

You are lucky it did something!

It also makes a great paper weight!

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

NEVER HEARD IT PUT QUITE THIS WAY BEFORE ! ! ! ! ! !


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and
the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben
and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long
as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And
Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth
white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And
Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic
toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following
the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth
deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake,
named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created
chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a
remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and
gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might
consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is
good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Job Posting

Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2007 10:20:22 -0500

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Woot.com

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground & go into the
woods. Curious, Paul followed the car & saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he
ran home & started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off & said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story,
suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story.

Paul started his story, "I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane & Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy & Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army.






MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone.

daj59 wrote:

That happened to me last week.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss', I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My husband's.'

'What happened to him?'

The woman replied, 'My dog attacked and killed him.'

She inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The woman answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

tall4agirl wrote:

'Get in line.'

lmao

daj59 wrote:<chippendork>

yeah yeah . . . the ladies' version . . . three years late.

Larry's wife asks, "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."






Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkin Hospital