kalyha


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pooflady wrote:I'm glad you said that, I was wondering. And why would they have to find their own thread?


Maybe they have loose buttons?

pooflady


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kalyha wrote:Maybe they have loose buttons?



snort!



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

dontwantaname


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kalyha wrote:I just read this blog & I was crying with laughter
Parents vs. Teenager



Too late for me, but that was great!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

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pooflady wrote:I'm glad you said that, I was wondering. And why would they have to find their own thread?



I was returning used threads to the I AM NOT AN ESKIMO! after Gman knocked them to the second and even third page!
There were too many, so if you have a thread that is missing, you will have to find it yourself.
It could be as far as page 3.

It made perfect sense to me when I posted it!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

ThunderThighs


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Staff

Was it KtC & Orc that went on a marriage retreat?


At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”



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daj59 wrote:Was it KtC & Orc that went on a marriage retreat?


At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”



And that's how Amy and John ended up at a divorce retreat!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


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AZGman wrote:And that's how Amy and John ended up at a divorce retreat!!



*snort*



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daj59 wrote:*snort*



You really should do your drugs in private!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


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AZGman wrote:You really should do your drugs in private!

Mommy always told me to share.



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AZGman


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daj59 wrote:Mommy always told me to share.



When mommy buys it, mommy can share it!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


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AZGman wrote:When mommy buys it, mommy can share it!!

My mommy did Valium. Didn't yours?



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daj59 wrote:My mommy did Valium. Didn't yours?



I dunno . . . if so, she never shared . . .

"She goes running for the shelter of her mother's little helper . . ."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


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AZGman wrote:I dunno . . . if so, she never shared . . .

It was the Happy Mommy drug of the 50s & 60s. Why do you think June Cleaver was so dang calm all the time?



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daj59 wrote:It was the Happy Mommy drug of the 50s & 60s. Why do you think June Cleaver was so dang calm all the time?



She was the original Stepford wife . . .

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Raining


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.

ThunderThighs


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Staff

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."



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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!



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AZGman


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GET THIS OUT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO SAVES THE NEW STATE QUARTERS!

Hang on to any of the new Arizona Quarters. If you have them, they may
be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it
is recalling all of the Arizona quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after
numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin
operated devices.


The problem lies in the unique design of the Arizona quarter, which
was designed by a team of Mexican professors at ASU. Apparently, the
duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming
up the machines.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

AZGman


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SkekTek wrote:



Perfect!!!

A copy just went up on our In/Out board!!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


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SkekTek wrote:

<insert eerie music>
I came across this same picture this afternoon and almost posted it.



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For Dname



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SkekTek


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daj59 wrote:For Dname


That's awesome! Gotta show this to my class, we just did a lab using mice... behavioral only (mazes).

AZGman


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Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Raining


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Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'



AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
Raining wrote:Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'



<chortle!!!>

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 565 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff



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ThunderThighs


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Staff

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to
God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I
have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had
collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the
woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to
God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read ...

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."



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Glad I wasn't at this car wash

One site said it was an 83 yr old man that forgot his glasses. Hmmmmm.



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and here's a Scottish shortie fer ya

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
Lynnzoi wrote:and here's a Scottish shortie fer ya

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'



Do prim librarians use that kind of language?!?!?!?

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Lynnzoi


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AZGman wrote:Do prim librarians use that kind of language?!?!?!?



aye laddie - in Scotland

don't fook with their books!

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

oops . . . wrong thread . . .

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Jump School

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?", asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh, no, I didn't. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the plane."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?", the father again asked.

"No!!! He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called the Jump Master over. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No sir, I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear Dad it was about 10 inches long and big around as a baseball bat!

"He said, 'Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this little baby up your arse."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first...

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter
took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is
seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She
stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady.


It read:

"Just to let you know things aren 't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several
garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch
in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut
off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 565 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Ten Thoughts for 2007


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of a fungus.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism and changes whenever and however it wants.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut only saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today

"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".



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Staff

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



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