Shirt.Woot

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck
there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.

Bureaucracy: An organizational concept based on the philosophy of, "If it ain't broke, fix it until it is."

Bizarre weird video of the week

The CSI: Miami Drinking Game
Filed under: CSI, Drinking, Drinking Games, Silly — missedmanners @ 1:38 pm

Okay, so on Monday I mentioned my roommate’s and my abusive love for the show, CSI:Miami. The show is amazing. It takes every unbelievable, laughable aspect of the original CSI and puts it in a thong bikini. The show’s become so ridiculously predictable that we jokingly made up a drinking game based on the things you WILL see every episode.

The first of these refer to the main character, Lieutenant Horatio Caine, played by David Caruso.

If at any time someone actually says David Caruso’s character’s full, ridiculous name (Horatio Caine): 1 Drink

David Caruso removes his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

NEW! David Caruso puts ON his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

The emphasized point is the lead in quote to the theme song: Drink half of your drink

Says another characters name as though it were a question (Alexx……?): 1 Drink

Caine utters some Confucian wisdom, for example, “Tomorrow is what you make of it,” or “Sometimes when you have everything it feels like nothing at all.”: 1 Drink… 5 if you don’t crack up laughing.

If Caine sticks up for an abused woman by physically threatening the man doing the beating thereby showing that violence is not the answer: 3 Drinks

Anytime Caine intentionally keeps his staff in the dark regarding key knowledge of a case to keep their objectivity intact: 1 Drink for every character fooled, 5 Drinks for every character that figures it out, 1 Whole Beer if it was something incredibly contrived like a Norwegian mouse hair or some pancakes like that.

You see a shot of Caine in his pimped out hummer: 1 Drink

You see a shot of Caine jumping out of his hummer, gun in hand: +3 Drinks

Now some minor characters:

Emily Procter a.k.a “Calleigh Duquesne”

Calleigh is a southern girl, and don’t you forget it. She’s also an incredibly gifted CSI, you can tell this because she’s wicked hot. Her rules:

Anytime Calleigh brutally overpowers a much larger man because she knows CSI Brand Jui Jitsu: 2 Drinks

If the beating was administered because the villain made light of the fact that Calleigh has a vagina: +1 Drink

Adam Rodridguez a.k.a “Eric Delko”

Eric is hot under the collar and came from a rough background, he may or may not like smoking the weed.

Anytime Eric gets hot under the collar: 1 Drink

Anytime you are reminded that Eric is from a rough background: 1 Drink

If he actually smokes weed: Sit back and watch CBS implode under the weight of a nation’s misplaced disdain.

Khandi Alexander a.k.a. “Dr. Alexx Woods”

Alexx is the resident mortician/autopsy lady. She’s got this whole queen of the dead type thing going on that routinely makes my naughty bits tingle. Her rules:

If she says the word(s):

“Mortis”: 1 Drink

“Rigor”: 1 Drink

“Time of Death”: 1 Drink

“Shoe leather”: 2 Drinks

“Door nail”: 3 Drinks

“Disco”: 4 Drinks

If at any time Dr. Alexx speaks to a corpse and expresses regret over his/her death showing that despite handling thousands of corpses daily, she is in no way jaded: 2 Drinks

Rules for Scenes Inside the CSI Mega Lab Complex

Most of the show takes place in here when H isn’t out tracking down bikini bandits or something. If you’ve ever been in a real forensics lab checking semen samples (like ya do), then you know that they’re actually fluorescent lit, horribly uncomfortable places. Not the CSI: Miami lab, hell no. Their headquarters was designed by robot versions of the guys from Queer Eye. Here’s a list of rules for their absolutely idiotic take on forensic research.

Any time you see a custom user interface for a computer program the techs are running: 1 Drink

Any time you see a futuristic font used in said interface: +1 Drink

If that user interface is projected gratuitously on a wall behind the characters: 2 Drinks

If a character uses a computer to magically enhance a blurry image far beyond what is possible: 4 Drinks

Computer generated zoom in to watch a wound unfold on a person in a manner that is in no way gross, nope, not at all: 1 Drink

Same computer generated zoom in done in slightly different manner to reflect new evidence in a way that’s not cliche, nope, not at all: +1 Drink

Black light used as background light, not for semen search: 2 Drinks

Semen search black light: 1 Drink (the point is to get drunk)

Different colored light used for some kind of alien semen search or something: 2 Drinks

Final Rule:

If the body count of the entire show ends up being 1 or less: Drink entire beer, change channel, you may have been watching the Golden Girls. Not your fault, it’s easy to mix up Caruso and Rue McClanahan.

This is somewhat rude, has language, and not for work. But very funny.

Jiggly butt

openspace wrote:

Okay, I'll hazard a guess . . .

Portrait from the Shallow End of the Gene Pool?

AZGman wrote:Okay, I'll hazard a guess . . .

Portrait from the Shallow End of the Gene Pool?

I miss the Gene (Keady) Pool fan club at Purdue... (the man could coach a mean team despite having the worst combover in college sports history).


Oh, and take a look at Baseball's scariest dance troupe

AZGman wrote:

There is someone in my building that has this very comic on display!!

My First Time

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

From Arrogant Bastard Ale, a fine product from Stone Brewing Company:

Lynnzoi wrote:s'ok, as long as they bring the tequila!

If you're bringing tequila, you should check out the Temequila 3-pack sampler on the side deal. It's the first organic margarita mix and drink sweetened with 100% Blue Agave and all fresh ingredients in a glass bottle.

Check it out!

http://www.winecountryconnect.com/sidedeal/

had to tone this one down a little


After 5 years tending his claim, a prospector decides to "raise some cain",
so he heads down the mountain to the closest boomtown saloon.

"Bartender," he says "give me a whiskey."

The prospector downs his drink in a gulp, leans over the bar and asks
slyly, "So, bartender, got any women 'round here?"

The bartender replies, "Nope, but we got 'Ol Joe out back!"

"frak you," says the prospector. "I don't go in for any of that carp!" Then
he leaves.

Five years pass. The prospector heads back down the mountain, walks
into the same saloon and says, "Bartender, give me a whiskey."

Once again, the whiskey goes down in a gulp and the prospector says,
"So, bartender, got any women 'round here yet?"

The bartender replies, "Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back!"

"I told you," says the prospector, "I don't go in for any of that carp!" And
heads back up the mountain.

Five more years pass. Same prospector, same saloon, same bartender,
same "whiskey in a gulp", same proposition with the same reply.

"Nope, but we still got 'Ol Joe out back."

The prospector, having not had sex for 15 years, thinks for a bit and asks,
"Bartender, if I was to go out back with 'Ol Joe, who'd know about it?"

"Well," says the bartender, "there'd be me, you, 'Ol Joe of course, and
three other guys."

"Three OTHER guys!", shouts the prospector. "What in hell for!?!"

The bartender replies, "To hold down 'Ol Joe. He don't go in for any of that
carp either!"

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in the service?' The applicant replies, 'Yes, I was in the armed forces for three years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?' The guy says, 'Yes, 100%. Mortar round exploded near me and blew off my testicles.' The interviewer tells him, 'OK, I can hire you right now. Hours are from 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM' the guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM, why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?' The interviewer replies,' this is a government job. For the first two hours we just stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

jbwagoner wrote:If you're bringing tequila, you should check out the Temequila 3-pack sampler on the side deal. It's the first organic margarita mix and drink sweetened with 100% Blue Agave and all fresh ingredients in a glass bottle.

Check it out!

http://www.winecountryconnect.com/sidedeal/

looks interestin!

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight' she replied..

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the b*tches.'

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which
was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly
awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss -- so much so that
they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today.





It is known, of course, as ... Sinko de Mayo. :-)

Now, that's a groaner . . .

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

I'll definitely be using some of these when I get back to work on Monday!










I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'



He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'


Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'



'No,' I replied.



'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T



I used to like Harold.

selli wrote:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'



He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'


Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'



'No,' I replied.



'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T



I used to like Harold.

Harold spent some time in the military . . . that joke has been around over 30 years!!!

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Prison vs. work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.


@ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X6 cubicle/office

@ PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON you get time off for good behavior
@ WORK you get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON you can watch TV and play games
@ WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON you get your own toilet
@ WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK they are called managers

Women's Ass size study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

A guy walks into his Psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The doctor says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"