We've found it, the real Gettysburg Address!
Despite The Gettysburg Address being one of the most famous political speeches of all time, there is still some disagreement as to its exact wording. Lincoln's handwritten copies, newspaper accounts, none of them are exactly the same. Well, we're here today to put this debate to rest. We have uncovered the EXACT wording of the President's famous address. Check it out:
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, much like I am, right now, bringing forth a cute bunny from this top hat. 'Twas a nation conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, just like this quarter here is equal to this one hiding behind your ear, little boy.
Now I will saw my lovely assistant in half to illustrate how we are engaged in a great civil war testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. Speaking of living, look at this, my lovely assistant is alive and whole again. Give it up for Jennifer, everyone. But I digress. Where was I? Ah, right: It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground, which is why I'm levitating over it right now. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here, just like I can never forget how to do the thing where I put a bunch of scarves into my sleeve and pull them out all tied together.
It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced... much in the same way that this rubber band will advance from these two fingers over to these other two fingers on the count of 3. 1, 2, 3. Shazam!
Anyway, it is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
But enough about all that. Please, pick a card, any card.