Best Time Machine Ever

by wootbot

Riddle me this

1st Place in Derby #348: Time Travel Redux, with 237 votes!

"Wait," said the philosopher to the emperor. "If you spare my life, I shall produce for you a device that allows one to return back to times past. And I shall make it from nothing but ink and pulp!"

The emperor considered this, then nodded to the executioner, who released the philosopher from his shackles. "You have two days," said the emperor. 

Many thought the philosopher was simply bluffing and would use the time granted to escape from the city, but lo and behold, two days later, he returned to the emperor's court. In his hands he held a scroll.

"What's this?" said the emperor. "Tis nothing more than some scribblings of long forgotten events."

"Yes," said the philosopher. "But does it not take you back to those times? Does it not transport you, so to speak, into the past?"

The emperor hung his head in shame. The philosopher had him beat, and so his life was spared. The emperor did, however, make it an officially decree that the philosopher was an annoying loser and that nobody was allowed to invite him to any cool parties for as long as he lived.