Human Testing

by wootbot

Don't Stand in the Way of Progress

3rd place in Derby #270: Propaganda...FOR SCIENCE!, Guest Editor BootsBoots' pick.

You people make me sick with all your judgment. Oh, I'm sure we wouldn't even be having this charade of a Senate hearing if I was busy making pills to increase erections or prevent baldness or keep women's breasts from sagging with old age. But one man takes it upon himself to further the evolution of the human species through genetic experimentation and suddenly he's a monster.

Don't you people get it? This world is changing, and our only shot at survival is to change with it! We live in an age where we can wield power over our very DNA! You call it playing God, I say it's irresponsible NOT to use this power! I'm talking about a bold new direction in human evolution and you want to sit here and quibble about morality! How can you be so short-sighted! Morality doesn't even factor in to the world we're building!

That said, I recognize there have been a few missteps and I apologize for the tentacle babies. We're working on that.

Wear this shirt: And watch everyone guess what band it's for.

Don't wear this shirt: Into a Biosafety Level 4 facility. You have to strip naked, we bet.

This shirt tells the world: "Science marches onward whether you like it or not, idiot."

We call this color: This creme has a few minor side effects.