Thanksgiving Dinner FAQ
Are you staying home for Thanksgiving? Don't mess it up!
Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and if you are like the thousands of young people who won't be returning home this year, you might have some questions about how to prepare the meal on your own. For you, intrepid 20-something pilgrim, we present the Official Woot Thanksgiving Dinner FAQ:
How do you cook a turkey thoroughly while still keeping it moist? Ugh. Stop. Don't use that word: moist. Just baste it or, you know, use a thermometer or something. And please call it "juicy;" anything but the M word. It gives us the heebie jeebies.
My gravy always comes out chunky. How do I keep it smooth? Why are you so worried about this? It's gravy. It makes everything delicious. Chunky, smooth, too thick, too thin -- who cares? It's fat-sauce that deliciousizes everything it touches. Throw it on some pie. Eat it for breakfast the next day. Gravy is an indiscriminate lover.
How do I make pumpkin pie that's as good as my mom's You never will. In fact, you will never do anything as well as your mom, and will forever live in her shadow. Accept your fate now, make your sub-par pie, and save yourself a lifetime of anxiety.
Wear this shirt: and rip it off when you go for fourths.
Don't wear this shirt: the next day, while experiencing a gravyover.
This shirt tells the world: "When I die, I want to be stuffed."
We call this color: Down Like Crazy For Brownish Gravy