by wootbot

Let Krampuses be Krampuses

Back before all these overprotective parents took over, it was totally OK for malicious hoofed creatures to shove children in sacks and spirit them away to hidden mountain abodes. But these days…don't even think about it. All the fun has been taken out of Christmas by parents worried about their children being "absconded" by evil Krampuses. It's sad, really.

I remember back in the winter of 1973, Mike Bertsche and I were riding our bikes around the neighborhood (as kids were allowed to do back then). We were having a great time and kicking up all kinds of trouble, when out of nowhere this horrific fork-tongued monster tackled Mike off his Schwinn. Mike fought back, but the Krampus was impossibly strong, and shoved him violently into his burlap sack, blood streaking along the enclosure. I never saw Mike again.

And would I have had story like that to tell if I had grown up these days? No way! My mom probably would have insisted I stay inside where no child-abducting mythical beast could whisk me into the hills and perform who knows what kind of physical and sexual acts on me.

I guess those halcyon days are behind us forever. They're never coming back.

Wear this shirt: until this meme has run its natural course.

Don't wear this shirt: after this meme has run its natural course.

This shirt tells the world: "I want to take your children!! Oh hello, officer."

We call this color: Cover Your Child In Silver Bells So You Can Track Them