1st place in Derby #274: Monsters, Robots, and Aliens!, with 590 votes!
It was just a costume for a Halloween party at first.
In the past, I'd gone the clever route, the weird route, and the lazy route, but I'd never worn anything that was traditionally scary. So I thought, this year, I'd challenge myself. I would put together something that might scare people. And what could be better than a mythical monster who feeds on our kind?
I spent many painstaking hours constructing it, putting in far more work than ever before. I don't know why; it just felt right. And I must say, when I put it on and looked in the mirror, I was terrified of myself.
It was dark by the time that I arrived at the party. I was standing outside finishing my cigarette before going in, when the door opened and a couple exited: a molasses cookie done up as a cat and a snicker doodle dressed as a professor.
The glow of my cigarette caught their attention. They looked at me. I nodded, a simple greeting, but they didn't even see, because they were already running away, screaming. That was it. That was all that happened. That's where the story would end it if it were theirs. But it was not. It was mine, and it was just the beginning. You see, their screams filled me with a certain satisfaction I had not, until that moment, ever felt before. I wanted more of it. A lot more.
So, I never went into that party, nor did I go back home. I began roaming the streets, terrorizing the city at night. My passion was fueled by the shrieks and cries of passersby as they scurried away in fear.
I felt sated, happy. Each morning, I'd sneak out of whatever alleyway I was hiding in to steal a newspaper and read about myself. "Monster on the loose," the front page of one would say. "Creature sighted again," said another. I limited myself to two at a time, or else I'd be too giddy to get any sleep.
But recently, the press seems to have taken a new view of me. In fact, just yesterday, I read an article proposing there was nothing to be afraid of. The author argued that, if I were truly a monster, I would have attacked someone by now.
And you know what, he brings up a good point. If I am to be as feared as I desire to be, I must claim a victim. Just like the mythical creature on whom my costume is based, I must consume one of my own kind.
And I'm sorry to say, it's you.
Wear this shirt: if you're going as a cookie dressed as a cookie monster who himself is dressed as a cookie for Halloween.
Don't wear this shirt: if you're going as Big Bird for Halloween. Because we're not going to touch that. Too political.
This shirt tells the world: "Civilized society is crumbling."
We call this color: Royal Blue-kie Crisp!