The Vampyr

by wootbot

Blood Buffet

There's a vampire among us.

It was already dark when the townspeople gathered at the town hall to discuss the vampire. He'd been wreaking havoc on their small community for quite some time, and it was only getting worse. In just the past month alone, he'd bitten nearly 18 people and tried to bite upwards of 60 more. He had to be stopped, but how? That's what the mayor wanted to talk about.

"Two words," he said, when everyone was assembled. "Blood buffet." He paused a moment to let a low rumble of curiosity make its way through the crowd. "Now, let me explain how it works: we give blood like we do during the blood drive, but instead of sending it to a bank or a hospital or whatever, we set it out for the vampire to drink. Thus, no more biting. Bam. Problem solved."

A few people who were more afraid of needles than vampires didn't like the idea, but everyone else thought it was great.

"Well, majority rules," said the mayor. "Now, let's go inform the Count of our decision. Right now!"

And so, with pitchforks and torches in hand, the whole town marched up to the vampire's giant manor on the hill. When they arrived, the mayor knocked on the door, politely.

"You're pretty courteous for an angry mob," said the vampire.

"That's because we're not angry," said the mayor. "In fact, we're happy."

"Then what's with the pitchforks and the torches?"

"You know, when in Rome..." said the mayor, with a chuckle.

"Oh, totally," said the vampire, and he chuckled too, although he didn't understand what the mayor had meant. No one did, actually. Not even the mayor. "Anyway, what's up?"

"We've got an exciting proposition for you," said the mayor. And then he told the vampire about the idea for a blood buffet and how it would solve everyone's problems.

The vampire sighed. "You guys, it's not just about the blood. It's also the thrill of the thing... you know what I mean?" He looked out at the crowd for some agreement, but they just looked back at him, blankly.

"Never mind," said the vampire. "You don't understand. You NEVER understand."

And then, right there in front of everyone, he started quietly weeping into his cape, looking up every few seconds to see if anyone was coming to give him a hug or a pat on the back. But no one did. In fact, the townspeople just looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Nobody likes a vampire who plays the victim.

Wear this shirt: when you're sleeping in your coffin.

Don't wear this shirt: the day you're going to get a stake to the heart. Because why waste a nice shirt on that day, right?

This shirt tells the world: "I suck. But in a cool way."

We call this color: don't come out until it's pitch black.