Re: (i think i need a sick day)
FROM: Irving_K_Frailberg@ ConsolidatedInternationalAmalgamatedAcquisitions (Accounts Receivable)
TO: [All Exchange Users]
DATE: Friday, August 23, 2013 1:03 PM
RE: I am XEROXIUS, Lord-God-King of the Photocopier
First of all, I apologize to Danny from Security. When I discharged the fire extinguisher at you as I was securing my position in the reprographics department, I momentarily forgot about your asthma. I hope you are feeling better and are able to return to work next week.
Second of all, I honestly feel that I had given fair warning. I sent SEVERAL emails this summer about how to add paper to the photocopier and begged everyone to do so when they ran the machine out of paper. I also sent SEVERAL emails about how to clear jams--especially from the second set of rollers. I even included in one email--the last email before my emailing privileges were suspended in July--a powerpoint showing HOW to clear jams. I even, just a couple of weeks ago, placed in everyone’s mailbox a six-page detailed set of instructions for replacing the toner cartridge.
Why, then, am I still the ONLY PERSON who adds paper, clears jams, and replaces toner?
And finally, Irving K. Frailberg is dead. He no longer exists. From now on, I wish to be addressed by my new identity--my TRUE identity. I am now XEROXIUS, Lord-God-King of the Photocopier.
As a result, as of today, I will no longer be working in Cubical 57-C. My new lair is the Reprographics Department. As of today, Andy and Beth have been relieved of duty. No one will be allowed to touch the photocopiers but me. They are my people. They are my children. They are my babies.
Don’t be shocked by this transition. It was a long time in coming. The fire alarms were set off this morning when I set fire to my khakis. I apologize for that disruption, but--god as my witness--I will NEVER wear khakis again. Today I am a changed man. Starting today, I will now and forever sport the grass skirt from last week’s Luau Wednesday to represent my newfound freedom. I now wear this crown of staples to remind me how much I have sacrificed for this company. I now wear a tribal necklace of paper clips (to Kiersten in HR: I never realized how much body piercings actually hurt. I have a newfound respect for you) to represent the interconnectedness of all things. I now wear these binder clips attached to my chest to help keep me awake since the coffee here in reprographics is decaf. But I still wear these orthopedic shoes for my fallen arches.
Thank you for helping to keep Consolidated International Amalgamated Acquisitions the third biggest amalgamation organization in the metro area.
Irving K. Frailberg