It is true, you know.
Yes, your television HAS been watching you AND listening to you over all of these years. Because of special research done in the mid-1970's, it has also been able to read your mind. The amazing thing is that everyone's televisions have a huge database of words, phrases, and even entire paragraphs that alert Big Brother under the right circumstances. That's why you don't see Fred (you remember good old Fred, don't you?) any more. How about that abandoned house on the corner? Ever think that you used to know someone who lived there and can't figure out why such prime real-estate hasn't sold?
Do you ever wonder what they slip in your breakfast double-latte that makes it taste so good but a little odd at the same time?
Ha! And they said he had landed a vice-presidency at Roller Bearings Anonymous in Quincy, Indiana. What they DIDN'T tell you is that Quincy is only about nine miles south-east of Cloverdale. Cloverdale my cloven hoof! A dale is just like a field, isn't it?
The monster didn't show up in New York, it actually showed up a mere hop-skip-and a jump from Indianapolis. Amalgamated Metals (who, of course, OWNS Roller Bearings Anonymous) always claims that they are sending their malcontents to Quincy when they are actually sending them to CLOVERFIELD where they can be hacked and slashed into mince-meat. Some far-off day, they hope to strike a contract with the SPAM(tm) company.
And all because your TV is watching you.
Uh, well, that fits the T-shirts' theme, eh? I've done my job, haven't I, my wootish masters? May I have a cracker now? cheezeburger? hug?
Anyhow, I don't know about television watching me or listening to me (primarily because I've only watched disks since 1995) , but occasionally policemen do and - unfortunately - don't do it properly or they don't report it completely. Not like I'm asking any of you to be amateur lawyers or anything (probably I just want a shoulder to cry on) but I got this citation last Saturday night where the policeman quotes me as having said a particular sentence. Unfortunately, he left off the last two words that I'm absolutely certain that I said. Just two bl**dy words. H*ll, he didn't even end the sentence with a period!
Interestingly, whether I said those words or not is not ultimately of any particular importance because (and don't tell no one I told you so, ok?) I was culpable: I done bumped somebody and it was all my fault. Of course, the other driver decided to be so p*ssed off at me that they refused to give me their insurance info or name or any of that (which goes against an extremely strong cliche I'm certain I learned in childhood), but of course I can get it all from the accident report. Not that this justifies what I did, I'm just venting a tad about them. (sigh).
However, the difference between the meanings of the sentence (i.e."with" in comparison to "without" These All Important Two Ending Words) makes a difference to me: kind of like, if you ever took driving lessons you were told to ALWAYS do some particular thing - like _avoiding_ running over dearest granny? In fact, you were to ALWAYS stay as far away from the old bat as you could?
There might even be someplace that if you were were often smashing into elderly women, you -would- be breaking a law? (Uh, running over little old ladies is probably against the law pretty much anywhere, but I digress.) My example here is a "rule or commandment of omission rather than a rule of commission", but perhaps if the story is sufficiently entertaining you will forgive me. It would be nice and -I- would like it...
In any case, your instructor would drill it into your head quite thoroughly so that you would find yourself, years later, occasionally whispering about it as you slept, bothering everyone else in the house?
Ok, let's switch backwards - that is, instead of never running over GrandMama, it is always to signal before a turn (not my problem, but I'm endeavoring to avoid forcing you to be soiled with the facts of my sordid life).
And let's make it seem real personal anyway - i.e. write in first person, singular.
So, I'm claiming I _did_ do that thing that you are always supposed to do no matter what, right? I really, really DID do it, but I did a crummy job of it. Heck, I -KNOW- I did it because I remember not doing well. On the other hand, the cop has _implied_ that I didn't do This Sainted Action at all by dropping off the bit about being my being incompetent in this one particular situation.
I guess I'm harping on the difference between doing something at all and doing it badly. At least if you do it badly, you DID do it. If you simply drop the bit about doing it badly, it makes it look like you didn't do it at all and ought to be condemned to the sixth level of Dante's hell. Oh yeah, perhaps also remedial driving classes, loss of several points on my license and a fine (above and beyond what my insurance company is going to do to me) of $200. The are all absolutely wild a** guesses, but investigating offices do a really great job of not telling you anything, particularly when you ask them politely at 10:30 at night.
Like I said, it doesn't change the one-word _summary_ on the citation ("inattentiveness") and the result (rubbing a big line in the paint of the driver's side door of the other person), but his quoting me wrong makes me look clueless besides. It also makes me feel as if he's been a sort of a liar (has not provided "the whole truth") and that torques my joint out of the socket as well.
Anyone who has read any of my postings here know that I probably don't rate better than a 50% clueful score in the first place, but you and I are all basically peers: having some judge, uh, judge me about this (probably simply because he/she/it is an authority figure), someone who is "above me in society" feels a lot scarier.
Just remember, if you hate my posts either report them so the get killed or skim past them. The censors, as kind as they've been to me lately, have been quick to nip other crud I've written almost before it has been posted. OH NO! I UNDERSTAND NOW! THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE MIND-READING EQUIPMENT!
<knock on door>
<louder knock on door>
We know you are in there! Come out with your hands behind your head!
<the door smashes open, a long sequence of unnecessarily high-caliber automatic machine gun fire occurs>
Ha! Got him! He ain't no malcontent now!
ALL PRAISE THE TELEVISION!