KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

If they can't use the purple crayon responsibly, I'm just going to have to take it away!

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"My grandmother taught me how to play Strip Poker."


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"Look, you're just jealous. And that's okay."

"I hope you get Swine Flu."


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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
PemberDucky wrote:"My grandmother taught me how to play Strip Poker."



//shudder//

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

On the time change:
"That time change screwed up my Sunday. I got up and I was getting all ready for my Sunday football...I had my football breakfast ready to go, I was checking the stats online for my fantasy leagues, and then I saw the clock. It was 7:00 in the morning. I don't exist at 7:00 on a Sunday morning. I IMMEDIATELY got sleepy and went back to bed."


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dandalion


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dandalion

This one goes back quite a few years, but still makes me laugh.

Waitress tells cook that customer wants fresh mushrooms on their pizza. The cooks asks another cook if he should open a new can.

Raining


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Raining
dandalion wrote:This one goes back quite a few years, but still makes me laugh.

Waitress tells cook that customer wants fresh mushrooms on their pizza. The cooks asks another cook if he should open a new can.

i could never eat mushrooms on my pizza. Puke.

Iceback


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Iceback
Raining wrote:i could never eat mushrooms on my pizza. Puke.



I could never eat puke on my pizza

In the end only kindness matters

no1


quality posts: 7 Private Messages no1
Raining wrote:i could never eat mushrooms on my pizza. Puke.
Iceback wrote:I could never eat puke on my pizza



two grate tastes that taste grate together.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Co-worker 1: When I see a beautiful woman at a bar, of course I want to buy her a drink. But that's not how it really should work. So I tell her, "I want to want to buy you a drink, but I should actually be buying your mother a drink. And your daddy. Because they're the ones who made you so fine."

Co-worker 2 (might have been me): When you've used this approach, co-worker, and you've said, in essence, "Hey shorty, you're attractive, but imma disregard all that because I want to buy your mama and daddy a drank, despite their not being present at this time while you stand before me being beautiful," how well does it turn out for you?

Co-worker 1 pauses, reflects.: It doesn't go well.

Co-worker 2: I'll say this, though. It's better than offering to buy a drink for her plastic surgeon.


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mwiseman


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mwiseman
no1 wrote:two grate tastes that taste grate together.



Grated puke?

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"Please don't get forensic evidence all over my glasses."


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KtCallista


quality posts: 32 Private Messages KtCallista

While visiting Ver2's class before lunch. . .

The kids all sat at the concepts chart and the teacher pointed to each colored square and asked the kids what color each one was. When she got to teal she asked, "What's this color?" My daughter shouted "Cell Phone". Yup, my cell phone is green.

___________________________________________________________________
Paper Napkins on the Edge of Insanity

Beware the V'owls screech!

Orcrist42


quality posts: 7 Private Messages Orcrist42

*coming in from outside*

"Gah! It's colder than a Snowman's Ass outside!"

"Yeah, you just missed Frosty. He came in
to get some hot cocoa."

rkingy


quality posts: 0 Private Messages rkingy

haha

bethlehemstarr


quality posts: 19 Private Messages bethlehemstarr

a long long time ago...

standing watch in the Navy, most of us were smokers in the room, and were discussing how we'd started smoking. The consensus in the room was either in the Navy, or in college. The watch officer 'Princess Fiona', idly stated:

"The only thing I smoked in college was pole".

The conversation ended.

bethlehemstarr


quality posts: 19 Private Messages bethlehemstarr

overheard today

Coworker 1: I need to pick up an air compressor after work, and one of those damn hamster dolls.
Coworker 2: Sounds like my idea of a Friday night!

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"That was the same night that we were burning phone books in the backyard."

"Oooh...yeah!"


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mwiseman


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mwiseman

Me:
"Don't forget I'm shutting down the network on Sunday."

Coworker:
WHAT!?!?

Me:
"Um...didn't you read the e-mail I sent out last week?"

Coworker:
"Well, there's e-mail, then there's reality."

kdccrosby


quality posts: 7 Private Messages kdccrosby

Female person in cube next to me, while talking on the phone. (a looonggg conversation)

"What kind of person keeps pictures for three years with the idea of blackmailing their sister? What, did she just decide 'Oh, I'll keep these just in case I want to blackmail my sister one day?'"

"you know the pictures, remember it was you and me and (4 other girl's names). It was you and me kissing, and you and xx, and xx and yy, and you and yy. It's not like we were naked or anything. But I don't want (new husband) to see them. He's just not okay with that sort of thing, you know?"

There is much more of the 30 min conversation that involves fisticuffs with sister over said photos, removing herself and others from the lease, moving, threats of police and how crazy sister is. much too much to try and type.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"For a guy who doesn't eat meat, you sure know a lot about pen*ses."

"Well, I watch the Discovery Channel."


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Mavyn


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Mavyn

"You sound like you have a something in your mouth, so either you're eating or you need to go spit."

My speech is not parsing. I am speaking in ellipsis.

clt11222


quality posts: 1 Private Messages clt11222

Said by my little girl today:

"Remember a long, long, time ago, like yesterday, when we went to that fun place?"

coffeenogrumpy


quality posts: 1 Private Messages coffeenogrumpy

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

I found out the problem with the emails.
He wasn't hitting the "send" button.

WanderingRaccoon


quality posts: 0 Private Messages WanderingRaccoon

In a conversation about marijuana, the new girl pipes up with:

"I could never do marijuana, I hate needles."

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

WanderingRaccoon wrote:In a conversation about marijuana, the new girl pipes up with:

"I could never do marijuana, I hate needles."



I bet she is a big drinker!

Were you in my yard this morning? The dog went nuts and had to go out there. That is a behavior usually reserved for an animal. We have at least one HUGE raccoon in the neighborhood.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

mwiseman


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mwiseman

Aaaaaaugh!

Reply To All!

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

An acquaintance considering a vacation to Aruba: It'll be cheaper to drive.



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

Mavyn


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Mavyn

"Ooo, you wanna kiss? I'll go put my teeth in!"

My speech is not parsing. I am speaking in ellipsis.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

Four-in-Ten Workers Feel That They Don’t Fit in With Their Colleagues, Finds New CareerBuilder Survey

CHICAGO, January 26, 2010 - Do your co-workers’ crazy antics make you question how you fit in at your current job? According to a new CareerBuilder survey, four-in-ten (39 percent) workers said they feel that they don’t fit in with their colleagues. The survey was conducted between November 5 and November 23, 2009, among more than 4,900 workers.

Comparing genders, more women (42 percent) than men (37 percent) report that they feel they don’t always fit in with their cube mates. When it comes to industries, health care, sales and professional and business services top the fields where workers feel that they don’t fit in with their colleagues, followed by leisure/hospitality and IT.

Workers shared some of the craziest things their co-workers have done on the job:

* Co-worker ate the cheese off the pizza box at a company meeting.

* Co-worker talks openly about flatulence.

* Co-worker in the cubicle next to me wears 3-D glasses with the lenses removed.

* Co-worker repeatedly bangs a mallet on the table for no apparent reason.

* Co-worker whistles 8 hours a day.

* Co-worker chews tobacco and spits it into empty soda bottles.

* Former boss brought a baby sippy cup to a meeting and started drinking out of it.

* Co-worker cleaned fingernails using a counterpart’s business card while sitting in their office.


Hey, CareerBuilder survey respondents:
Sippy cups?
Whistling?
That all you got?
I cordially invite you to spend a day here at the dolphin ranch.


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"What kind of gay man doesn't like to look at breasts?"

"No, you don't understand. I'm actually truly a homosexual."


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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"No, I can't go with you on Thursday. I might be in jail."


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Schrobblehead


quality posts: 1 Private Messages Schrobblehead

An email exchange:

coworker1: "My gamer tag is _________, if any or you homosexuals want to play with me."

coworker2: "Why am I not shocked that you are looking for homosexuals to "play" with you? Shouldn't you be posting this on Craigslist or something?"

coworker1: "I would like to avoid the diseases on cl"

I'm a Christmas Unicorn! In a uniform made of gold, with a billy-goat beard, and a sorcerer's shield, and mistletoe on my nose!

Turken


quality posts: 5 Private Messages Turken

"If we knew what was going to happen, then it wouldn't be research, would it?"


SkekTek


quality posts: 17 Private Messages SkekTek

Coworker 1 (Male) taking something out of the microwave in the kitchenette: "on my lord you are so hot"

Coworder 2 (female), walking into the kitchenette a split second later "I beg your pardon?!?"

kdccrosby


quality posts: 7 Private Messages kdccrosby

Riding in the car on the way to lunch

Co-worker: Do you smell sewer? Does it smell like a sewer to you?

Me: Well, yes

Co-worker: It wasn't me, I promise!!

Me: It wasn't me either. If I did something that smelled that bad I'd brag about it!

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

Wow is it tangelo season? I love tangelos! they are the best thing since clementines.

PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"Yeah, it's like with that Large Hardon Collider thing."


Close. Very close.



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PemberDucky


quality posts: 41 Private Messages PemberDucky

Staff

"I kind of want to Autotune my farts."


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