1st place in Derby #90: Almost, with 967 votes!

Picture it: you’ve got a cush job at one of America’s fastest-growing retailers. All you have to do every day is write a few product descriptions and blog posts and stuff like that, and your innate wit and verbal acuity make it easy. You float into work each morning supremely confident that whatever assignment they throw at you, whatever product you have to wax funny about, you’ll be able to fling a few pithy quips at it and call it a day.

Then this shirt wins the Derby. And you realize that all your little jokes are trivial in the face of ecological catastrophe. But you’ve still got to earn your paycheck, so after much agonizing and many false starts, you write these:

Wear this shirt: when you’re eating fast-food burgers and drinking from a styrofoam cup while you drive your SUV to your job clubbing baby seals.

Don’t wear this shirt: while you’re chained to a tree to try to save old-growth forest. This color really soaks up blood.

This shirt tells the world: “Everyone makes mistakes. That’s why pencils have erasers. And bulldozers are kind of like God’s erasers. He must’ve made those forests on accident.”

We call this color: Cream Dioxide.

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