Only on our giant 24-hour-news station conglomerate.

Thank you to Greg Holt, our intrepid reporter who first flew to Mexico, then Argentina, then boarded an enormous steam ship to travel to Antarctica and report on the receding ice shelf due to climate change. Brilliant story, Greg.

And now, a new study shows more people are watching television than ever, while fewer and fewer are taking the time to even open a book. Scientists at the University of Colorado have released a study detailing a distinct drop in the measurable attention span of humans exposed to flashing images, bright sounds, and alarmist propaganda typically found on news stations. Supporters of the study have called for the development of a Pro-Book Committee to develop instructional videos, related online games, and pop-up ads to encourage reading.

Coming up next, Ricardo Alvarez details all the junk food you should throw out and gives healthier options you’ll have no problem affording, provided you earn a similar six figure income.

Wear this shirt: To the library. They’ll think you’re so cool they’ll probably let you rent a book for free!

Don’t wear this shirt: On television. The camera adds 15 pounds. Wear black.

This shirt tells the world: “I will not allow my disdain for the decline of Western Civilization to interfere with my enjoyment of irony.”

We call this color: Asphalt on Your Senses

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