Deep within the locker room of Beacon Town High, a sinister plan is hatched.

Boys, I don’t think I have to tell you what a rich history of losing we Beavers have. The last championship we’ve ever won was way back in 1985, and I shouldn’t have to remind you how that happened. No, that lonely banner in the middle of the gymnasium should be enough.

Gentlemen, it is time this team took steps to reclaim that former glory.

After convincing the principal to cut funding to the Yearbook, Drama, and Chess clubs, we in the Athletic department were able to mount an expedition into the heart of Transylvania and bring back the means with which we will not only take home this year’s trophy, but every year’s from here on out. Adams, remove the cloth from that cage there.

Meet Robert. Well, I think his name is Robert. He was blubbering something like that when he was captured and begging us to kill him before the next full moon. Anyway, this slathering beast is the key to all our future victories, team. Now, I’m going to need all of you to form a line, roll up your sleeves, and stick your arms in this cage so that Robert here can give you a good sturdy bite and transfer all of his basketball playing power to you. Shouldn’t hurt any more than a shot does, boys. “Much” more, anyway.

Johnson, are you crying? You want that scholarship, don’t you? Get your arm in there, son. Do it for the team.

Wear This Shirt: If your best friend drives a hearse.

Do Not Wear This Shirt: If you ever hope to make friends with Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman. I hear “regrets” are involved.

This Shirt Tells The World: That you forgive Jeph Loeb of all his sins, including Heroes and the Red Hulk (which I refuse to call “Rulk” ever).

We Call This Color: Quadruple Double Brown

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