Oh sure, bikes are fine for commuting. But leveling villages? Yeesh! Good luck!

Now look, I’m willing to concede that our new Biken Bjorn Brigade has given us increased maneuverability across land and a slight increase in speed against foot soldiers, but I’m not sure bike pillaging is where it’s at guys.

First of all, it’s hard to ride these things off the longboats and right onto the beach. They tend to sink in the sand pretty quickly. And Thor help you if it’s been raining which, let’s be honest, happens quite a bit when the island you’re terrorizing is Great Britain.

Have you tried carrying back spoils with these things? It’s impossible! Anything bigger than a Toblerone and your balance is all thrown off and you get all wobbly. And FORGET trying to convince a future slave or wench to stand on your pegs for the ride back to the boat. They’re COMPLETELY uncooperative.

I’m not saying let’s do away with bikes altogether; we invested a lot in this technology. I’m just asking how do we improve on the existing apparatus?

Wear this shirt: On a trip to Norway. It’s beautiful up there!

Don’t wear this shirt: As you pillage and burn your way through Europe. You’ll look a lot more intimidating shirtless.

This shirt tells the world: “I’ve got all the big ones: Meek Greek, Roman Omen, and Mongol Stronghold.”

We call this color: Leidang Lemon

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