Woodland Rescue

by wootbot

2nd Place in Derby 269: Worst. Job. EVER, Editor's Choice!

Thank you for calling Woodland Insurance. Please have your policy number ready. If this is an emergency, then please follow along like everyone else. What, you think you deserve special treatment because you're in trouble? You think everyone else called to just chat? C'mon!

If you're calling to make a payment, press 1. If you're calling to review your policy, press 2. If you require roadside assistance, press 3. If you-

You've called Woodland Insurance, the leading insurance company for woodland creatures. Are you seriously next to a road? I mean, honestly?

No, don't press 1. We're past that. Let's talk this out. Please answer 'yes' or 'no.'

I'm sorry: was that 'know' or 'no.'


As in, the opposite of 'yes'?

Well, well, well. Look who's caught in a lie then. Mr. "I need roadside assistance" isn't even roadside. You know, next time maybe wait to hear the whole menu before making your select-

Oh, now you go and press 0, huh? Trying to get to an operator? What's wrong, did I get too real for you? Please answer 'yes' or 'no.'

No? Yeah right. You can't handle me. But whatever, just tell me what's your problem here, anyway.

Okay, so when you say 'I'm a turtle and I'm on my back,' are talking literally on your back, or metaphorically? Press 1 for literally. Press 2 for metaphorically.

You pressed 1 for literally. Are you sure you didn't mean to press 2 and your finger slipped? Please answer 'yes' or-

Oh, this 0 crap again, huh? You know what? Forget it! GOOD-BYE AND GOOD LUCK!

Wear this shirt: when you're in a jam. Turtles love jam!

Don't wear this shirt: when you're in a pickle. Turtles hate pickles!

This shirt tells the world: "I don't mind asking friends to help me move."

We call this color: Kelly Green? Be a doll and flip me over, won't you?