When life hands you zombie pirates, make a zombie pirate parade
From the depths of the sea arises a horrible creature that we can totally make money on if we market it right.
“It’s a fine night for the Annual Kingston Cove Zombie Pirate Attack, don’t you think, Bob?”
“That’s right, Sandra. I don’t know about you, but Captain Deadbeard’s annual stumble and stagger down Main Street is one of the highlights of my holiday season. You know, before his gruesome, bloody death at the hands of some of Kingston Cove’s earliest settlers, Deadbeard placed a curse on our fair city, promising to return every Hallow’s Eve to wreak havoc and misery in his awful, undead wake.”
“Is it true he’d eat the babies, Bob?”
“Aye, matey. Why, he’d slaughter young and old alike, feeding on the flesh of the living until the sun rose the following morning and he’d return to his watery crypt. Of course, that was before Horatio Algus von Strasser, whose statue stands tall in the center of town, uncovered the secret that would drive our favorite zombie pirate back to Davy Jones’ locker way back in 1845. Since then, our fair city has turned this once horrific event into a fantastic spectacle for families everywhere!”
“Look! There he is! Deadbeard once again walks the earth, and is making his way toward Town Square! Will you look at those kids lining the sidewalks, Bob? It’s heartwarming to see all these children waving their plush zombie parrots at our old seafaring friend.”
“And who’s that pretty young lady standing next to the mayor at the square waiting to greet him, Sandra?”
“Why, that’s Little Miss Kingston Cove 2009, the tap dancing dynamo who won the hearts of everyone at this year’s fair. She’ll be presenting the good captain with his special gift this evening.”
“He’s just about shuffled his way there. He’s reaching out with his skeletal hands. I am trembling with anticipation, Sandra.”
“She’s handing him the gift now. He’s taken the ceremonial ship’s wheel of his former vessel. He’s putting it in his pants! Here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The moment when we can declare it to truly be Halloween!”
“YAR! IT’S DRIVING ME NUTS!”
“And just listen to that crowd cheer, Sandra! Look at those fireworks! Halloween has officially arrived in Kingston Cove!”
“There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, lumbering back to his cold ocean tomb for another year through a shower of confetti and glitter as the Kingston Cove High School Band plays him off into the night. Good evening, fair captain! Rest well.”
Wear this shirt: while illegally downloading sea shanties.
Don’t wear this shirt: to a Fratelli family reunion.
This shirt tells the world: “Ye intruders beware. Crushing death and grief, soaked with blood of the trespassing thief.”
We call this color: Putrid Parrot Green
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