Our Picks for the Red Planet’s Annual Space Jam
Here it comes, Yzzvxxball fans: Mars Madness, the biggest sporting tournament of the season! We’re anticipating some thrilling action right from the opening Xyv-horn of the first game in the first round.
Requiring no cumbersome space suits to survive their own native atmosphere, the Xanthe Arachnoids enjoy a huge home-planet advantage over the Houston Astronauts. Sorry ‘Stros fans, but this one’s a blowout. Arachnoids win 362-2, and lay their eggs in the defeated Astronauts brains.
The Tyrrhena Warrior-Kings have been one of the toughest teams in the Solar System all season, and shouldn’t have too much trouble with the Ha-G’Loor-G’Luz Splash, making the long trip from Venus for their first appearance in the tourney. Splash head coach G’Lur G’Lyarz-Nar predicts his squad’s sulfuric acid bodies may gasify on Mars, making the competition extremely difficult for them. Warrior-Kings win by forfeit.
A struggling Elysium Little Greenmen team faces off against the Burning Plains Fightin’ Fazzwazzles in what promises to be one of the most exciting match-ups in the first round. These cross-conference rivals always seem to play their best against each other. This year, expect the Greenmen to eke out a hard-fought victory, 88-76.
Much has been made of the Mount Tharsis Mecha-Zorgs’ perfect record going into the tournament, but they haven’t faced a team as resilient, as disciplined and as psycho-resistant as the Lion People of Argyre. It remains to be seen whether the Mecha-Zorgs can find a way to win without the mind-control rays they’ve relied on all year. This is the big first-round upset: Lion People 72, Mecha-Zorgs 50.
In the second round, look for the entire tournament to end when Saturn’s assembled armies, led by Chok the Ruthless, descend on Mars to destroy the athletic facilities in retribution for last year’s poorly officiated championship game.
Wear this shirt: on your human torso, or any part of your anatomy with the approximate dimensions of a human torso.
Don’t wear this shirt: to Mercury, where the only sport is soccer, and they’re pretty obnoxious about letting you know.
This shirt tells the world: “Yzzvxxball: it’s awesome, space-baby!”
We call this color: Grasstroturf.
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