3rd place in Derby #166: Things That Start With the Letter C, with 983 votes!

17 days. 17 days I sat in the back of that fridge. Alone. Forgotten. Left to mold and rot, just like my wife and our baby carrots. And while I sat in that dark crisper, while your so-called “God” let me stew in the dark and the cold with no hope of rescue, my plan hatched.

I began compiling the scraps of mushrooms, leftover pasta noodles, and chicken blood into a weapon. A weapon of vengeance.

It took a long time, Cupcake. A long time to crawl out of that drawer. A long time to wait for that refrigerator door to open. A long time to make my way up the counter to find you and your gang here.

I’ll tell you what didn’t take long, though. It didn’t take long gutting and cutting my way through your cronies. Ice cream certainly couldn’t take the heat. Turns out Doughnut didn’t need any more holes in him. And Fried Chicken. Fried Chicken never even saw it coming. I’ll admit; it was over too soon. I should’ve savored the kills.

But I’ll take my time with you, Cupcake. I’m gonna make this nice and slow.

Once Candy Bar and Cookie are out of the way, I’m gonna move inch by inch. You’re going to feel that frosting come off sloooowly. I’m gonna cut your muffin top off and feed it to you, Cake. But I’m not gonna kill you.

I’m gonna come back this time next year, and I’m gonna do it again. And the year after that. And the year after that. And every year I’ll find you, wherever you are, and I’ll take a piece. I’ll take a piece for each of my baby carrots mushed in that bag. I’ll take a piece for every cry, scream, and sigh from my wife. I’ll take my revenge, but most importantly I’ll make sure you never forget me.

Ever.

Wear this shirt: While cooking your own healthy, locally-sourced, organic meals consisting of mostly vegetables with some fish or maybe a small portion of red meat once a month or so.

Don’t wear this shirt: To your dialysis appointment.

This shirt tells the world: “Gee, I’d sure like to set those pastries on fire over there, but I’m way too far away to get the job done.”

We call this color: Caloric Kelly Green

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