1st place in Derby #165: The Scientific Method, with 1422 votes!

Spirochete, Cocci, Mr. Bacilli, thank you for coming to this meeting. I hope that your being here signals a new direction in inter-bacterial co-operation.

Ah, I see you’re smiling already, Spirochete. That’s good, that’s very good! Because I know what you know: that humans are, essentially, nothing more than cities made from cells, all of which could easily be just like you. And when we fight, we fight our brothers! I say to you, brothers, that this anti-bacterial crusade has gone on for far too long. For are we not the world on which you live? And are you not that which keeps us living?

Today, before the world, I propose the solidifying of the five second rule. It allows mankind the simple day-to-day mistakes that come from simply being human, while still allowing bacteria the right to move in and take their share of what we leave behind. After all, without bacteria, we would have no yogurt, no cheese, no beer and wine! Some say I speak too broad, but I say they lack the vision to go broad enough!

My tiny friends, today we start a new peace between us. And, at last, there will be cleanliness in our time.

Wear this shirt: while scrubbing the shower. Maybe those mildew will get the hint.

Don’t wear this shirt: around a vision-impaired cannibal who’s drinking a beer. That pretzel’s pretty delicious looking.

This shirt tells the world: “If you need to verify what comes between six and two, I’ll be over there.”

We call this color: Brown University Biology Department

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