We know we raised you to be comfortable with yourself, honey. We’re just… well, you won’t always be young!

We’re not mad, we just want you to think about your actions. One day, you know, you’ll be trying to get a job plugging some of the very best drains in the city. Drains that have generally used plugs of silver and gold. We know you can do it, but they don’t. And your mother and I don’t want… well, I’ll just say it, we don’t want them seeing you act so plastic.

No, I do understand, that’s the problem! I met your mother at a beachside motel doing exactly the same thing! That’s right, I’m glad you’re grossed out now! Maybe you’ll understand! Because when she tried to get that job in a lawyer’s bathtub, he’d already seen her pictures! And you know what? She didn’t get the job! She had to settle for me! Okay, maybe that’s a bad example but… wait, you understand? You’ll never do it again? You don’t want to end up married to some loser just like your mother? Okay, well, darling. I’m glad you’re going to be a little more modest around the cameras, but let’s not get insulting here.

Wear this shirt: pushed put, to show off your new piercing.

Don’t wear this shirt: and expect to be on video. There are very strict rules about what does and doesn’t get on the air, you know. This ain’t a charity.

This shirt tells the world: “WHOOOOOOOOOOOO! YA’LL! YA’LL! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

We call this color: Royal Blue? The British Tabloids Will Pay A Ton For The Photos!

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