2nd place in Derby #171 Meat, with 695 votes!

Okay, the focus group results have come back and we’ve been crunching this data for the last month, but we’ve got it. Before I begin, anybody care to venture a guess as to why people aren’t eating as much beef?

“We hired you to find out for us, Gordon.”

I know, I know. And I’ve done just that! So humor me, a little. It helps make the reveal more exciting. Come on, guess.

“Because industrial farming has led to grain-fed beef that’s higher in saturated fat and more frequently-contaminated with E. coli bacteria?”

No. I mean, that’s true, but no. That’s not why. Most people care just enough to not like it, but not enough to do anything about it.

“Because we have to actually put ammonia into burger meat to keep the bacterial contamination to a minimum, so any time you buy a burger from a fast food joint or even most supermarkets you’re actually eating ammonia?”

Again: true, but not what the polls show. Anyone else?

“Because people are starting to realize that a diet rich in red meat leads to a higher incidence of heart disease and colon cancer? And that you should really only be eating about six ounces of red meat a month?”

Ha! This is America! That’s DEFINITELY not what people said! No, the answer is this, ladies and gentlemen: brand confusion.

“Brand confusion?”

Yes! People want meat, but they’re not sure what to get! It’s all too confusing! Burgers, strip steaks, T-bones, sausage, pot roast, flank steak, it’s all too much! That’s why we’ve simplified the old butchers’ guide!

“That…that’s just a picture of a cow.”

“With the word ‘MEAT’ stamped over it in huge, bloody letters.”

That’s right! Forget the subsets, the minutiae, the different cuts of meat. That’s so 1950s! From now on forget “It’s what’s for dinner,” forget “Where’s the beef,” HERE’S your new slogan: “MEAT. I’d eat that.”

“Brilliant!”

Wear this shirt: On your way to the Goodhue County Fairgrounds in Zumbrota, MN!

Don’t wear this shirt: To that PETA protest. They don’t usually go for jokes like that.

This shirt tells the world: “Rooter, tooter, whatever.”

We call this color: beef bourguibrown

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