A lesson to bullies: There’s always someone bigger than you. Or stronger. Or smarter. Or with more appendages. You want to mess with sea critters? Don’t be surprised when a sea critter messes back, and you get octo-pushed around a little bit. Know what I’m saying? A little squid pro quo. Here are just four of the many important things that certain sea mollusks have and you don’t.

1: Eight armfuls of grippy suction cups.
2: A powerful beak for perforating flesh and crushing tissue.
3: Gills (this provides a significant home-court advantage).
And 4: Big octopus brothers.

Think this over, snorkle-boy. The tentacle tango isn’t such a fun dance when you don’t get to lead. Au revoir, mon calamari!

This shirt was designed by: James Cho—he’s baaa-aaaack! With this second-place tee, Crazy Jimmy hath returned to our li’l ol’ Derby like the prodigal son. Or like a bad penny. Say, for example, Penny Marshall.

Wear this shirt: if you get picked for “shirts” in a pickup basketball game.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re on “skins.”

This shirt tells the world: “There are plenty of fish in the sea. And some of them will crush your bones to paste.”

We call this color: Acephalophalt

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