2nd place in Derby #166: Things That Start With the Letter C, with 1040 votes!

It’s killing me to do this, my pretties. But the Health Department says I have to get rid of you. I know, I know, the nanny state strikes again. They can talk all they want about toxoplasmosis, but who’s going to protect me from a broken heart?

Anyway, goodbye and I’ll always love you all. Goliath, you make sure your little sister stays off of the radiator. Twinkle, remember, just because you’re declawed doesn’t mean you’re any less of a cat. Beyonce, stay fierce. The rest of you – Fats, Calcutta, Bit O’ Honey, Iggy, Izzy, Ozzie, Gumdrop, Jackboot, Frasier Crane – when you get to your new homes, remember to spray your territory. Your new owners might own you, but they don’t own you.

As for me, I’ll be keeping a brood of coffee-stain cats from now on. They don’t cuddle or purr or play with string. But my love is no match for the power of the Health Department.

Wear this shirt: without bothering to launder it. New stains will only add to the verisimilitude.

Don’t wear this shirt: into a coffeeshop, lest people start setting their drinks on your chest.

This shirt tells the world: “I can has triple grande caramel macchiato?”

We call this color: Coffee with Creme.

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