First Place in Derby #36 (Text As Art), with 886 votes!

“Hello, Gettysburg! How y’all doin’ today? Nice day to dedicate a cemetery, hunh? Listen, I’m going to be brief, because I know a lot of people are dying to get in there. Heh! Heh!

“But seriously. I’ve been to a lot of Civil War memorials, and I just want to say that Gettysburg really knows how to put one of these on. That’s right, give yourselves a hand! I was just up in Appomattox for one of these staged ferrotype ops you have to do, and let me tell you—those Virginians think they’re pretty solemn. I want to say to them—if you want to see solemnity, you come to Gettysburg! Yeah!

“But I gotta mention your mayor! Woodforde J. Chesterview, mayor of Gettysburg. Listen, this guy—he’s a nice guy, but I’m not sure you want him overseeing the town’s budget. You know what he said to me when I arrived just now? He said ‘Mister President, do you have a twin brother? Because I need change for Alexander Hamilton.’ Heh! Heh!

“But seriously. I want to thank the Ladies’ Auxiliary for the great spread they put together. Give them a hand. Wasn’t the food great? I had about fifteen of those cheese muffins, I couldn’t help myself. They’re going to stop calling me ‘the Great Emancipator’ and start calling me ‘the Greatly Constipated.’ I’m serious! Heh! Heh!

“But seriously, folks—four score and seven years ago…”

This shirt was designed by: Shigwarm, whose favorite president is actually Garfield.

Wear this shirt: for major suck-up points with your American History teacher.

Don’t wear this shirt: to anyone’s home who owns a bumper sticker emblazoned with the words “will rise again.”

This shirt tells the world: “When I described myself as ‘buff’ in my personals ad, I meant ‘Civil War buff.’”

We call this color: Manassas Grass

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