You gotta be a Pres on the streets and a freak in the sheets.

I’ve really got to take issue with the rep Abe Lincoln’s gotten in this country, man. I mean, the whole Gettysburg Address, emancipation, re-formed a split nation thing is fine. That’s legit. I’m talking about the other stuff. The whole “uptight, stuffed shirt, couldn’t take a joke ‘cause he was so consumed with the horrors of the Civil War” thing.

The dude was a straight up freak.

It’s like a universal rule: the more straight-laced and uptight a person seems, the more they’ve overcompensating for some horrible, dark kink they’ve got going on! And you just KNOW Abe had some kind of kinky sex thing under that top hat! Think about it: the shape, the size, it all makes sense! Plenty of other people had their pictures taken back then; no one else seems to be wearing a top hat. He had to be hiding something!

The whole John Wilkes Booth thing was probably some kind of kinky roleplay gone wrong.

Wear this shirt: While scribbling out “In God We Trust” on your five dollar bills.

Don’t wear this shirt: To the next Republican Primary Debate.

This shirt tells the world: “Four score and seven years ago our forefathers got their freak on, man.”

We call this color: Once in the black of the head.

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