A bear. A park ranger. The friendship that blossomed in a remote corner of the American wilderness. And the picnic basket that tore them apart.

See? That’s all you need to turn a moth-eaten old cartoon property into a dynamic, bloody box-office sensation. Instead they’re going to smear some cheap animation all over some dumb jokes and expect nostalgia to do the rest. Which, come to think of it, would be more true to the spirit of the original.

Wear this shirt: with your hat, collar, and tie. That Ed-Norton-as-a-Chippendale-dancer look is nowheresville, pops.

Don’t wear this shirt: and eat anybody. Eating people is wrong.

This shirt tells the world: “Not all yogis are peace-loving mystics, sitting cross-legged among the flowers.”

We call this color: Cream of Park Ranger.

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