Louie was a good carp. One of the finest I’ve ever known.

3rd place in Derby #81: Heartbreak, with 741 votes!

They say fish like me grow to the size of their environment. But Louie, Louie was always the right size for anywhere. Me and Louie went to school together. We were partners. The day that fungus swept through the tank, he looked after me. The day the glass broke and all the water ran out, I looked after him. I said “if you weren’t around, Louie, I’d never make it outta my door in the morning!” And then we’d laugh. But now he ain’t around.

Louie took care of his family, though. He left them that little treasure chest that opens and closes, and that plastic pirate skeleton to keep his family safe at night. He was saving up to buy a ceramic castle for his “golden years”. I guess that won’t ever happen now.

I remember just last week me and Louie were joking around with a packet of wasabi. Maybe that was bad luck or something, I dunno. All I know is, whoever did this was an expert. Someone with access to avocado and rice. And there aren’t a lot of people out there like that. Whoever you are, you better watch out. Because this planet is mostly water. And if you so much as step into a bathtub, you’re mine.

Wear this shirt: when you’ve decided to commit seppuku. It’d be kinda neat to see if you can get all the shapes before you die.

Don’t wear this shirt: when you’re in a knife fight. it won’t help you to have an easy diagram of the best places to cut right there on your chest.

This shirt tells the world: “No tears. He died a warrior’s death. K’plah.”

We call this color: Mrs. Brown You’ve Got A Lovely Otter. Did you know otters eat raw fish? If you didn’t, we’ve saved you from having to post “why is that funny?” on our forums.

Back to top