Great, one more thing for the Japanese to eat

They say whales are just as smart as humans. Well, by “they”, we mean “those people who live in the aquarium commune about six miles past the Wal-Mart”, but everyone can basically agree that whales are some of the smartest fish on the planet, just like chickens are some of the stupidest mammals.

So why is it, then, that we’ve made enemies of our underwater allies? Why have we hunted, shamed, and generally insulted the whales like they were freshmen in the high school of life? They’re not even particularly delicious! Imagine what we could be doing now if we worked WITH them instead of against them?

Picture this: a team of whales in the recording studio, lending their Pavarotti-like mastery of song to Brian Eno and U2. Or maybe, maybe a bunch of whale in hard-hats helping us drill for cheap oil at the bottom of the ocean. Isn’t that like the CUTEST THING EVER? Who could be against whales in hard hats giving up cheap gas and Vaseline?

Really, it seems silly to go through all the trouble to hunt these noble beasts in an age when we can get a pizza in about twenty minutes. Why can’t we instead just come together as brothers, and have some fun? Except for the chickens. Those stupid cluckers deserve to die.

Wear this shirt: when headed to see Dracula. See? Because it was directed by- aw, you know what? We meant Bride Of Frankenstein. Sorry about that.

Don’t wear this shirt: when headed to see Dracula. We totally retract that thing we said up there. We really meant Bride Of Frankenstein, really. Don’t know what we were thinking.

This shirt tells the world: “Apapa ooo maa mow mow papa ooo mow mowmow papa ooo maa mow mow papa ooo mow mowmow. Welllllll don’t you know about the whale? Everybody’s heard that the whale is the tale! Apapa ooo maa mow mow papa ooo mow mowmow papa ooo maa mow mow papa ooo mow mowmow”

We call this color: Call me Navyshmael.

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