One Smart Cookie

by walmazan


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Does the inertia of a body depend on its fructose-content?

2nd place in Derby #202: Anthropomorphic Food, with 912 votes!

It’s a simple equation, people. But apparently 68% of you can’t figure it out. So let’s try again from the top. E=mc², where E is your fat butt, M is the amount of calories you’re taking in, and C is the square root of the hours you spend in front of a screen of some kind. Mmmkay? Now-

“Mr. Laneau?”

Yes, Franklin.

“I don’t appreciate you perpetuating unattainable body image ideals onto me. This is discriminatory.”

Franklin, you misunderstand. I’m not saying you can’t be beautiful. I’m not saying you’re less of a person if you’re fat. I’m saying you’re committing a very slow suicide and if you WANT a high quality of life, if you WANT to live long and be healthy, you need to change some habits.

“But I don’t think a diet is a high quality of life for me personally.”

You’re probably thinking of fad diets like Atkins or some other similar nonsense. No, I mean a “diet” as in “knowing what you are shoveling into your cake hole.” If you WANT to eat a sleeve of Thin Mints, fine. But just know that you’re packing on more calories and saturated fat than you could physically burn in a day. People aren’t supposed to idly nibble on sugar all day, Franklin. You can eat it, but make it a reward or an occasional snack. Don’t start your day with a bowl full of Froot Loops and expect to feel good later.

“But Mr. Laneau?”

YES, Franklin?

“I don’t care.”

You don’t care about what?

“About living longer and feeling ‘better,’ whatever that means. You can’t say for certain I would feel any better than I do right now sucking down this Pepsi. And I feel like what you’re doing here and now is preaching Socialism.”

So attempting to help you lead a healthier, longer-lasting life makes me a godless Socialist?


Do you even know what that word means?

“I know that the people on TV say it’s bad.”

Wear this shirt: While recording your thoughts for posterity.

Don’t wear this shirt: While working on your project in Manhattan.

This shirt tells the world: “I have no problem converting energy into mass. Hand me those Oreos.”

We call this color: Square of the Asphaltean norm

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Pantone Colors:
White - 7403C - 1245C - 297C - 447C

Standard Brand:

  • Standard fit (slightly boxy, a little loose)
  • Fiber Content: 4.5 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: Honduras/Nicaragua
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

American Apparel:

  • Slimmer fit (if you like a looser fit, order one size up from your usual size)
  • Fiber Content: 4.3 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: USA
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

Sizing Chart:
Please check our sizing chart before you order.

Sales Stats

Speed to First Woot:
0m 39.000s
First Sucker:
Last Wooter to Woot:

Purchaser Experience

  • 0% first woot
  • 92% second woot
  • 8% < 10 woots
  • 0% < 25 woots
  • 0% ≥ 25 woots

Purchaser Seniority

  • 8% joined today
  • 1% one week old
  • 4% one month old
  • 27% one year old
  • 60% > one year old

Quantity Breakdown

  • 92% bought 1
  • 6% bought 2
  • 2% bought 3 or more

Percentage of Sales Per Hour

12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Percentage of Sales Per Day

Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun

Woots by State

zero wooters wootinglots of wooters wooting

Top Comments

What are Top Comments?

Top Comments are discussion forum posts we have deemed worthy of your time. Listen, we get a lot of comments, and most of the time, it's pretty forgettable stuff; but sometimes you rise to the top like butterfat in milk. We don't recommend you base your self-worth on how often we feature your comments, but we don't expressly forbid it either.

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One Smart Cookie by walmazan
$11.00 In Stock Apparel & Accessories
$11.00 $14.00 USD false 1 Retail EA
1 15
Woot! Shirt.Woot
4121 International Pkwy Carollton TX 75007 U.S.A.