2nd place in Derby #192: Woodcuts, with 817 votes!

Everybody knows that to get mice, you just stuff dirty cloth in a pile of wheat for about a month. And if you want to listen to The Scorpions, put a Toni Basil album between two copies of “Brick” by the Ben Folds Five. But if you want birds? Well, that’s going to be a little harder.

Because, although we know a lot about the world these days, we’re not completely sure what exactly the mixture of breeze and leaf makes the bird. And specific birds? Wow, just forget about that, because we’re a LONG way away from calling our shots. Maybe one day we can walk out to an oak with our electric fan and say “Oh! This will be a robin!” but right now, you’ll just have to take what you can get.

Don’t let it get you down, though. Hey, did you know that if you leave garbage next to water, you can grow a raccoon overnight? See how much fun true science can be?

Wear this shirt: while smoking in the rain. It’ll cover all the elements and you’ll turn into Captain Planet or something.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you turn into Captain Planet or something. To be a successful eco-hero, you’ve GOT to keep a secret identity, and that means you need a change of clothes so your enemies can’t track you.

This shirt tells the world: “Yeah, it’s sort of like Pokémon, really. Only more 15th Century.”

We call this color: Olive Those Birds With It Would Stop Being So Cold So They Could Fly Home For Summer

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