So Behold Already

Wait, have we opened all the gifts now? Where’s Otis’s present from Aunt Norma?

Pleasedon’tfindit, pleasedon’tfindit, pleasedon’tfindit.

Oh! Here it is. What was it doing almost all the way under the couch, I wonder?

Crud. Serves me right for waiting until Christmas morning to try and stash it. And it had been such a nice holiday without it, too. But now there it is, like a turd in the egg nog: Aunt Norma’s traditional homemade sweater.

Here you are, Otis. Pretty paper! I bet I know what it is!

Yeah, we all do. It’s a new cover for the school punching bag.

Ooh, look at that! Otis, honey, you know she does that all by hand. Oh, and it has mooses on it! Or caribous. No, I think they’re mooses. Oh, my, that’s beautiful.

Yeah, that wasn’t the word that came to my mind first. Yeesh. She did this to me last year and the year before. What did I do to deserve this?

Oh, hon, you’re so lucky to have an Aunt who can do handicrafts. I hope you appreciate it. I tell you one thing for certain, you’re wearing that to school on your first day back from Winter Break.

Sure, and I might as well call the emergency room to let them know to expect me that day with missing teeth and broken ribs. Hey, and why don’t I just go to school pre-wedgied, wearing my undies like a hood? It’d save my classmates a lot of trouble.

Wear this shirt: all the places you used to wear a ski sweater before global climate change.

Don’t wear this shirt: with white snow pants to the big New Year’s party, unless you want to show up in the same outfit as us.

This shirt tells the world: “Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% sweater. I’m pretty sure I heard it that way, anyhow.”

We call this color: Navy Moose, Navy Moose, Will You Do The Fandango

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