1st place in Derby #234: Underwater, with 910 votes!

When I ran for mayor of this great city, I ran on a platform promising integrity, morality, and an arboretum. Well, I’ve called this press conference to announce that I have made good on one of those promises. We are getting an arboretum.

Sort of.

You see, ever since we declared it a state of emergency and thus raised salaries of public officials by 54% to account for added stress, the budget has been a bit low, so we’ve got enough money for trees, but we don’t have enough money to buy any land to plant them on.

Quick tangent here: what’s actually pretty funny is we did have a really nice park, but we ended up selling it so that we would have enough money for those raises I was just mentioning. Pretty silly, huh? Anyone? No, no one finds that at all funny? Fine, suit yourselves.

Anyway, what I was saying was, we don’t have the land for an arboretum. But, we do have some public property that would be perfect: Thompson Lake. Think about it: trees need two things to survive, water and light. Thompson Lake is filled with water! And the water is pretty clear, so the light would have no problem getting in! The trees would thrive down there!

Now, I haven’t totally figured out all of the logistics yet, but I just don’t see what could possibly get in our way! Together we’ll build this underwater arboretum! And I’m not saying “together” in the campaign-y “We’re all in this together” way. I mean seriously, I’m going to need some help from everyone. Especially people with shovels and scuba gear.

Wear this shirt: while standing in front of an aquarium; the fish will love it!

Don’t wear this shirt: underwater. Despite its supposed knowledge of the submerged life, it is by no means a wet suit.

This shirt tells the world: “There’s always more below the surface. Like, soul-wise. Not like, there’s more under this shirt. That wasn’t a come on. Or was it? Wink wink!”

We call this color: as pitch black as the furthest reaches of the sea.

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