1st place in Derby #209: Fairy Tales, with 1014 votes!

Measuring out portions… err… I mean, proportions of man.

Journal Entry, Thursday, July the 28th

My research took an interesting turn this evening. First, I measured the distance from one tip of the specimen’s left hand to his right and the length of each leg and wrote down the measurements, which seemed accurate, in my notebook. Returning to the specimen, however, I swore that his left arm appeared to be shorter than it had just moments ago. My assistant, young Timothy, said that my mind was playing tricks on me, but as a man of science, I needed to know for certain. Sure enough, the arm’s length was shorter by two centimeters. Not being vain enough to consider myself incapable of error, I simply updated my measurements, but once again, upon returning something seemed different. This time, it was his right leg. I simply couldn’t believe it – the specimen’s proportions seemed to be changing with each moment that passed. Young Timothy was too busy nibbling on something in the corner to share in my excitement.

I continued to conduct various measurements and then record them for the next three hours, although, my mind clouded by the giddy haze of discovery, they felt like mere moments. The thing that finally removed me from my trance was when I returned to the specimen and found his head removed and gone. My shock nearly doubled. “Great God! I see what is happening here!” I shouted, which frightened poor young Timothy so much that he lept out of his chair and wiped some crumbs off of his collar, nervously. My explanation, though, appeared to put him at ease for some reason. What I explained to him, and what I plan to explain to the world by way of an academic essay, is that the length of a human being’s arms and legs, long thought to be unchanging after the final growth spurt of youth, is actually variable! And what’s more, the head is not necessary for human survival! But more on this tomorrow. Tonight, I must celebrate with an ale and a fine meal. I’ve invited young Timothy to join me in celebration, but oddly enough, he says that he’s full.

Wear this shirt: whenever you think you knead to.

Don’t wear this shirt: gingerly

This shirt tells the world: “I’ve got baking down to a science.”

We call this color: a bit doughy with a creme topping

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