Re: Beach Rules
Here's the rules. Should have called this Reality Beach!
No alcoholic beverages. No food allowed on beach.
No bonfires before 8:00 PM. No bonfires after 8:05 PM. Basically, no bonfires.
No Littering. This rule is rarely enforced.
No ball, frisbee, or hammer throwing.
No diving. No swimming without lifeguard on duty.
Lifeguards are never on duty.
Only screaming babies are permitted onto beach.
Beach badge required, especially when you have just fallen asleep.
Expect to be asked for it at this time.
Visitors are to find a spot uncomfortably close to you. So close in fact, they can see what page you are on.
Sahara desert-style sandstorms are typical.
Public bathrooms are generally closed for being in such a state of vile disarray you will be forced to relieve yourself in the ocean.
What is that guy next to you doing in the ocean?
Expect lava-level sand temperatures at all times. Expect not to realize this until you are equally far from the boardwalk as you are from the ocean.
Sand will get in your mouth and in your bathing suit. No matter what. Deal with it.
Seagulls are trained to poop on you with high-precision accuracy.
It’s their beach now.
Sharks, jellyfish, and poison algae are present but will not harm you. They are only there to distract you from the hypodermic needles and toxic sludge.
For your protection, please store your wallet in your sneaker while away from your area. No one ever does that.
That horseshoe crab is actually an alien face-hugger, as you surmised.
You will choose the incorrect SPF for your exposure and coloring. You will get no tan, as if you’ve been in a closet for days, or burnt to a crisp. There is no in-between.
It will rain as soon as you’ve unpacked.
That other family’s sand castle is way better than yours.
Do you even know what a castle is supposed to look like?
No pets allowed.
Unfortunately, we cannot stop the super-intelligent, artificially-enhanced primates.