1st place in Derby #129: Ancient Egypt, with 839 votes!

Okay, see, this here is one of the oldest stones humankind has found. Thankfully, I can read this ancient language, so I can tell it to you. It’s the story of a young man… hmmm. Says here he got involved with his mother and chased away his father. Oh! It’s the story of Oedipus! Wait, wait, there’s more. Something about an old man going over 309,760 cubits an hour. Wow, this is really crazy stuff. But consistent, strangely, incredibly consistent.

Okay, so the young man is apparently named Calvin, and he’s from space or something, and he had to… summon lightning? And the old man made some magic symbol out of… aw, this is just some crazy fairy tale. Listen, why don’t we just throw this stone away and find something decent to talk about. It’s clear that nobody could ever follow a crazy story like this. Hey, why don’t we try something like Santa Claus: The Movie? That’s the kind of no-brainer that’ll always be a hit.

Wear this shirt: in photos, constantly. That way you’ll have a reference point if something is altered in the past.

Don’t wear this shirt: when you meet with the Egyptian terrorists to buy the plutonium. They might read it and figure out what’s going on.

This shirt tells the world: “Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!”

We call this color: “Egyptian Creme? I thought they were from Libya! Doc, something must have been altered in the past! We gotta fix it and save my Dad from… Pharaoh Biff? Come on, Doc, let’s get moving.”

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