Nice try, P-Jack. But the game was WAY better.

Sure, the critics called your little film a “cinematic masterpiece” and it made a bazillion dollars worldwide, but I think we both know you sold out. Who needs imagination anyway?

No need to tire myself creating my own mental picture of The Shire when your interpretation is plastered on every 40-foot screen from here to Mordor. AND in HD. Have you no shame? I like my movies like I like my video games. In 8-bit. I don’t need to feel like Legolas’s luxuriously silken wind-blown Fabio hair is going to leap off the screen and scoop me up in some mystical elvish hug. I just need an endless supply of bombs to plant on every square inch of the rock wall until I eventually uncover the hidden cave where Gandalf is hiding with the ring.

And while we’re on the subject, what’s with making the ring so tiny? Where’s the challenge in that? In the game, it was a 900-pound hula-hoop of solid gold. That’s the real reason Frodo couldn’t do it alone. But I guess it’s cool you took some “creative liberties” with such a major part of the storyline and made it more about the “emotional” burden of carrying the ring. Whatever. WEAK.

Wear this shirt: In protest to The Hobbit premiere.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the after party. Self-righteous gamer geek was SO last season.

This shirt tells the world: you’d go to the ends of Middle Earth for a bottle of Crystal Clear Pepsi right about now.

We call this color: Black as Sauron’s cold, shriveled heart.

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