Hey listen, we’ve spent some time on this and we have a great tie-in for your new movie.

Listen Penny, can I call you Penny? Oh. Ms. Marshall. Got it. Anyway, I’m sure you remember our phone call when you asked me to take a look at your upcoming film and brainstorm on some merchandising ideas. Well, we’ve put our heads together and-

What? Big. I’m talking about Big. What other movies do you have in the can right now?

TV movies? Really? Wow. I don’t mean any disrespect or anything; I just feel like this Tom Hanks flick is really gonna put you on the map as a director. It’s got the kind of charm and wit that people will remember for at least two years after it’s released.

Which is why we’re happy to announce our new t-shirt idea: the robot thing!

You know. The robot thing. It turns into a building? In the movie everyone talks about what a stupid idea it is? Yeah, we figure slap that on a shirt and we’re lookin’ at an easy $50,000 in sales.

What do you mean the movie’s already out?! I thought we had enough time to put this together. You assured me you’d work with us to ensure we could be ready to launch on premier night. Well, look, we’re called Extremely Thorough for a reason, y’know. We don’t just go leaping into these things. We carefully consider the best possible facet of your movie to put on a t-shirt, and-

Yeah, the robot IS the best we came up with. What would YOU suggest?

The giant keyboard? Who’s going to remember that? Plus it’s on the ground. You can’t come up with a good shirt design about something that lies flat on the ground.

The fortune teller robot thing? Nah, no one’s even going to care about that thing. Guarantee it has no lasting impact.

The deflowering of a pre-pubescent Tom Hanks at the hands of Elizabeth Perkins in a Manhattan loft on a bunk bed? With all due respect, Ms. Marshall, I’ve been doing this awhile, and the thing people are going to take away from your movie is that robot.

So I’ve been kind of out of the loop, but how long has it been out? Maybe we could do something for the release on VHS?

Wear this shirt: While meeting Tom Hanks, so hopefully he will punch you right in your stupid nose.

Don’t wear this shirt: Beyond the year 1988. So…yeah.

This shirt tells the world: “I like things that I’ve heard of! This is a thing that exists, right? That makes it enjoyable to me!”

We call this color: Let’s make it a Royal Blue bug.

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