3rd place in Derby #203: Red, with 753 votes!

“Doctor?”

“Oh, good, you’re here. Come in, Adams. I wanted to discuss your results in person.”

“Give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it. What is it? Alar?”

“No, it isn’t Alar. In fact…”

“Let me have it, Doc. Just give it to me straight. I was up all night Googling ‘Apple health concerns,’ but all I kept turning up was pages and pages of Mac fanboys speculating about Steve Jobs’s pancreas and liver.”

“Calm down, Adams. This news is going to come as a shock, and I want to make sure you understand our options.”

“Oh, no.”

“You see, I and my staff have reviewed all your tests—and it would appear you’re harboring Cydia pomonella.”

“Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Wait. Is that—Doc, are you saying I’ve got The Worm?”

“We don’t like to use that term in the clinical setting, but… yes. You’re carrying a larval-stage codling moth.”

“Nooo! There was so much I wanted to do! I wanted to live! To explore! I wanted to go to school as a gift for the teacher!”

“I’m afraid that’s unlikely. Unless, of course, the teacher is not well liked.”

“Why? Why, oh, why, why?”

“Now, now. It’s not the absolute end of the line. But it does require a reassessment of what’s going to be realistically possible for you. I just want you to remain optimistic, OK? Why, if we move quickly to get the affected areas cut out, there’s no reason you couldn’t still serve society as part of a very nice pie, or a bit of cobbler.”

“NOOOOO!”

Wear this shirt: to your own x-ray procedure to find out how much lead is in our inks. (Hint: It’s zero lead.)

Don’t wear this shirt: to the farmer’s market. Their organic chicken didn’t get any antibiotics; there’s no way they’ll approve of an apple seeing an internist.

This shirt tells the world: “DEFEND OUR CORE VALUES”

We call this color: CAT-Scan-Cranberry or, I dunno, maybe Cran-Apple is better

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