You’re going about your day, and suddenly you’re seized with panic

“Wait a minute,” you think: “Did I forget to put on a shirt?”

Don’t you wish there was a quick, easy, fool-proof way to instantly tell at a glance whether ot not you’re wearing a shirt? Well, now there is! It’s the Clothing Status Update System, exclusively available from Shirt.Woot!

In these complicated times, you’ve got way too much on your mind to have to worry about what’s on your torso. The CSU System takes all the guesswork out of figuring out whether you’re legally entitled to service at gas stations and convenience stores, for example (shoes not included), while freeing your mind to think about the more important things in your life.

(WARNING: This device’s high-tech torso-sensing system only works while you’ve actually got the shirt on. Some users report sensor errors from their CSU System when they lay it out on the bed, hang it on a chair, or toss it in a hamper.)

Wear this shirt: at all times, to make sure it’s working

Don’t wear this shirt: as a do-rag and expect accurate readouts

This shirt tells the world: “Nyah, nyah, you can’t see my nipples! Well, OK, the outline of them, maybe, but you can’t see them in detail.”

We call this color: The Shirt Off Our Black

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