1st place in Derby #205: Mexico, with 854 votes!

You know, guys, your website made a lot of claims I was sure you’d never be able to make good on. “An Authentic Aztec Experience!” it said. “Immerse Yourself In Actual Ancient Aztec Rituals!” “A Uniquely Volcanic Vacation!” It was all pretty unbelievable. But I took a chance and, man, am I glad I did.

I mean just think about all the stuff we’ve done! The temples, the feasting, and the long hikes through the jungle have been awe-inspiring. And now here I am at the end of my vacation, my trusty Aztec-descended guides by my side as we stare down into the mouth of a very secret, yet incredibly active Mexican volcano just on the verge of eruption, a beautiful sunset blazing in the evening sky behind us. Thank you, Esteban. Thank you, Alejandro. Thank you, Old Man Who Only Ever Giggles And Shakes A Stick With Feathers and Tiny Skulls On It At Me. It’s really been the trip of a lifetime.

And to think that you only offer this travel package for people like me. Well, I don’t mind telling you guys that I’ve never been prouder to have never had sexual intercourse. This trip has truly made me the happiest virgin alive.

A picture? Sure, you can take my picture. You want me to stand closer to the edge? No problem! Just let me know when I’m about to fall over, okay? You guys are the best.

Wear this shirt: while standing westward of everyone you know.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you much prefer a Tequila Sunrise.

This shirt tells the world: “Please do not look directly into the design.”

We call this color: Cranberry Corona

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