It’s a real weird story when I think about it, you know? One minute, there I am, a humble plumber in business with my little brother…

Just a workin’ stiff trying to get by, right? Next thing I know, I’m in this crazy kingdom full of evil mushrooms and killer turtles and bricks full of gold coins. I’m shooting fireballs. I’m jumping over giant Venus flytraps. I’m growing to twice my height, for crying out loud. And the whole time I’m wondering what the hell I did to deserve this.

They call me a hero now. Even though all that was 20 years ago, I can still walk into any restaurant in the Mushroom Kingdom and eat for free. But you wanna know the truth? I didn’t care about rescuing any princess. I was just trying to get the hell back home. A clogged toilet line is a real pain to deal with, but at least it’s not trying to kill you.

Wear this shirt: when you pass through that wall to get to the Minus World.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the Mushroom Kingdom. They’re trying to move beyond their totalitarian past and it would only open up old wounds.

This shirt tells the world: “Taste plunger, spikeshell.”

We call this color: Goombasphalt.

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