1st place in Derby #150: Intergalactic Cup, with 999 votes!

Thanks for coming, everybody. As you know, we’re trying to get a whole new generation interested in manned space flight. To that end, we’re looking to update the image of the astronaut a little bit. Don’t get me wrong—Buzz, Neil, John, all those guys were great, I love ‘em. But they’re maybe a little… retro, you know what I mean?

I mean, the crew cuts, come on. Why can’t an astronaut have… I dunno, a mohawk? Wouldn’t that be great? Or dreadlocks! Just go with me here.

We want to give space exploration a whole new attitude. It’s hip, it’s now, it’s extreme! So the golf thing is out. I mean, come on. Your dad golfs. Your grandpa golfs. Golf is for upper-middle-class white retirees. That’s not our man-on-the-Moon’s speed at all. Let’s send a real gnarly dude up there to base-jump into a crater! Or do some BMX tricks or something! I bet you could get serious air up there.

I mean—not air air, but you know what I mean.

Or—hey, soccer! Why not soccer, right? It’s cool, it’s fast, it’s got a real global vibe. Plus the equipment is super cheap, which, let’s face it, we’re not exactly flush, budgetarily.

So, soccer? Yeah? OK, that’s settled. Now Bruce, could you check our astronaut candidate pool and see if any of those guys have any rad, “tribal” tattoos? And if they don’t, see if you can convince a couple of them to get one?

Because I think the kids would really be “down” with that.

Wear this shirt: as a sad reminder to yourself that you’ll never play pro soccer OR go to the Moon, much less do both simultaneously.

Don’t wear this shirt: if such a reminder actually would make you sad. We were just kidding around.

This shirt tells the world: “In space, no one can hear you scream GOOOOOOAAAAAL.”

We call this color: Black Side Of The Moon

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