Dear Woot, Are you serious? Today’s shirt violates all kinds of cross-dimensional physics.

First of all, even assuming there was some magical place where two overlapping universes could fit together, and I’m not really agreeing with that in the first place, but if there was, there’d be no way to predict what damage the overlap would do to the ecosystem. Certainly, the animals wouldn’t look so peaceful. And really, there are worms underground, and microscopic creatures in the air, and what about the flora that would now be receiving half the available light? Is that why everything turned brown? Sure, it would be a great gesture if you MEANT it as a scientific statement, but based on everything else you’ve left hanging, there’s no reason to assume that it was intentional on your part. And why should your customers be doing all the hard work for you, Woot? What have we been paying you for?

But even still, if that all gets hand-waved away on a magic carpet, we’re still left with some deeper questions. Like, are the fox and the rabbit really in the same universe the way they appear to be? And if so, why isn’t the fox eating the rabbit? Or is this side-universe supposed to be the one where foxes are vegetarian? And what about the owl? Is this day? Night? Who even chose these non-native animals and put them all together, and why? Are you even going to explain it? Who knows? Certainly not you, Woot, that’s for freaking sure.

Finally, there’s that weird koala bear. What’s up with that, Woot? Are you ever going to tell us where the bear came from? In short, you promised the world many things you simply refused to deliver, and now, in retrospect, everyone hates you and your stupid magic forest and have since the very first shirt. It just took us all a while to accept it. Die in a fire. A FOREST fire, get it? Get it? What? No? OMG you suck so much, Woot, seriously.

Wear this shirt: when going from one world and into another. Like when you leave for college or pack up for your honeymoon or sign a ten year parking space contract at the local garage. Look, if you add it all up and look at what you’re saving, the thing really pays for itself by year eight.

Don’t wear this shirt: in Autumn. It’ll just fall off and then people from out of town will drive up to take photos and buy fresh homemade pies.

This shirt tells the world: “Oh, hey, sorry guys, but the teddybears reserved this space months ago. Yeah, today’s the day. You’ll just have to move on.”

We call this color: That Koala’s Best Friend Is A Monocreme He Went To School With

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